Nicholas Marty Nespolini

whatssupp kidd ! lol i misss yoouuu likee crazzyyyy :( im justt homeee doing nothing becausee its pouringg rain .. i was just thinking about you and how much i lovee youuuu .. last week i helped your momm tezee andd feenn cleann your room .. nic it smelt just like you .. the clothes the bed just being in there .. i tried so haard not to cryyy i did .. jus to help your mom .. at firstt it war hard then it got a little easierr .. ii know it was because you helped because one secondd my eyess were full of waterr and then next secondd it was all gonee and i know your the onee whoo took all the sadness awayy .. i folded all your clothesss .. i even hadd to go through your dirty underwearr .. -__- grosss nicc lmaaoo when we finished i had your salesian school shirt and sweat just wrapped around me and i didnt want to let it go. i was so happy when i found out you were going there .. ill never forget when will told me !! i loveddd the thought of me & u both doing good in school because everyone knew we were smart but lazy lol and we both got our stuff together and did do goodd. i sat there on ur floor justtt hugging the sweater and shirt and i just  felt u there .. i smelt you .. everything and i wish i had that shirt and sweater with me everyday just too hold and remember you .. my best friend .. my other half !! nic i lovee youuu withhhh alll my hearttttttt !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! theresssss nothing in the worlddd thatt will everrr changee thattt - ii went and bought mikeyy new sneakersss because i hvnt gotten him a present in soo long .. hope you likee themm .. let me know some how if you can.. lovee youuu kiddoo - 1 day closer too seeingg youu againnnn

niCniC i thought of the weirdest thing todayy..i remembered when i slept over the night wen it was so beat out because of who was going to the movies or who was doing this and that.. i remember we slept in the back and played guitar hero all night and still hadda good time.and when i fell asleep yu burnt my socks hahahahahaaaahaa butt i think we left them under yur beddd but yeh i dont think we took them out so noww when i go back there with your mom because i dont think i could do it alone i will definitally checkk andd see iff i could findd themm. butt imm goinng to leave them there with you just like you left some stuff with me when yu slept over. well take these items as a trade and to remember that you were my big man and my big brother and THE BIG NICK and now my big angel. i love youu so muchh

- Little niCkyy

Hey My Love, Just sitting here as I do every day...with nothing else to do except think about you. Think about everything... and to be honest my love.... nothing that is said or done will change the ultimate result of my life.... I am you and you are me....

Make sure that you are not so busy when I need you... I am going to need you sooner than later. I am not me anymore my love, I dont know who I am or what  I am supposed to do in this life anymore.. What is my purpose? If its to suffer in this pain?  Why?

 

I look around and try to find a way to get my soul to breathe... and it does'nt..

I try to find a way to make it live again and it doesnt

I try to convince myself that you would want it that way... but it doesn't help.. I know otherwise...

I try to pry away at the layers of pain to see.. but I can't , you not being here with me has left me blind....

I hear things , but nothing penetrates... and I am sorry

I do not know bud, why was I left here, I am nothing without you....Did they not know this?

There is no one I can really talk to...I need you more than I have ever needed you before...Where do I turn to find you? I have so much to talk to you about...But most importantly, I have one constant thought and one constant wish that I need you to help me with... I need to know, I need you there!!!!!

 

My love, Someone said to me that God does not give anything to those who can not handle it... This was very profound to me.

What does this saying mean? Should I suffer this everlasting pain because I was strong.... Who is strong enough to handle the loss of their baby, their son, their best friend, their soul? I dont understand who created such a miserable saying or why it was even thought of... It is horrible!

 

Is this saying also indicating that only the weak minded and weak hearted get to live life cherishing their children? What?

 

If this has any validity to it, than It is saying that God is providing punishment to those who are strong! I dont believe that God works this way my love.... But if so,

Did they not know that I was toooo weak When it came to you and mikey...Did they not know that I only breathed because you supplied me my will to do so... MY Air!

 

I am sure they did, So why would this saying be made and why would it be used and why would someone assume that God punishes those who are strong...

 

I do not know why I was chosen to suffer... I do not know why Hell has become my life... I do not know why any mother or father should have to bury their children... But what I do know is that no Mother or Father deserves to be told that God has chosen us because he knew we could handle it... YOU DONT HANDLE IT..YOu dont deal with it either.....the best way I can describe it is just to say that I have my right foot in heaven already, just waiting for the left to follow....Until then I am stuck... I dont want to live in the everlasting hell... Every day seems like an eternity... I never really was able to quantify what forever felt like... but now I can... Every day is forever toooo long without you... and

 If I did not have Mikey I would not be here... That would be an answer to those who see this as gods choice for those who can handle it....

 

God, In my heart has not chosen me because of my strength... I believe that God has taken you into his heart and kingdom because he was induced into doing so... and because of these ppl I am suffering, and I will forever suffer, Mikey suffers, and Daddy Suffers...

 

I dont think that even DEATH will ever take away this pain that has been introduced to my soul,l for losing my Nicnic, MY Love, My life, My best friend, My Buddy, ......I am not strong enough to handle losing you, I never was and Never will be when it comes to my boyz.... No one is!

 

Booboo, remember when we spoke about the consequences if .............................. that is first and foremost the consequence that ........................................................feed my soul the fuel it needs ....

I love you, I will forever miss you, I am lost without you, I ache and suffer in pain without you... But, I carry you in my mind, body and as you know you are my soul... so you carry me with you...

We are together, connected by one soul. A soul that will forever yearn to be as one again... Until that soon day, I am you and you are me, and no one can take that from us... no one!

heyyyy kidddoo ! ok soo its 2:40 in the morning and i cant sleepp - i juss cried for so long while i looked through pictures of me and you .. Its crazy .. i saw pictures fromm donny's wedding all of our birthdays and just random vacations and if i was in sight u were either right next to me or closee .. me & you were inseperable and i hopedd it would stay that way forever. I cry everytime i think about you .. mostly when i think about all the good times we had because those are sadly the last memories ill have with you. everytime i see donny and your mom i wanna just break down because i remember how everyone said me & you remind them of you mom and donny. How they were so close, always there for eachother. It makes me so sad when i see how donny is still here for your mom and their older now and when im that age you wont be there in the same way. I know you'll always be with me in spirit but nic there isnt one thing in this world i wouldnt do to have you give me one of thosee hugs that you give or to hear you say i love you totty just one more time .. nic you were my other half .. i dont know how im gonna be able to grow up without you. i was sitting at work today waiting to leave and i was bored and wanted to call someone and thats when i thought .. wow this would be one of those times where i would call you & just be stupid on the phone.. i miss you so much nicc .. my hear breaks more and more everyday that your not here. i just wish i could understand why this happened .. it wouldnt make it any better but maybe just maybe i would be able to accept it .. because nic the way i see everything right now just isnt the way things are supposed to be. Your supposed to be here taking your finals while i make fun of you because i already graduated and im supposed to be goin to the beach with you and going out and getting tattoos together. Your supposed to finish highschool & go to college just like i am .. nic your supposed to be here for when eeveryone in the family gets on my case .. which is every second of the day .. to be the one who understands me .. the one who no matter what is always there for me. Nic i need you to be here for me .. i miss you and i lovee you more thenn anyone will ever understandd. i talk to you everyday .. i hope you hear mee - i lovee youuu kidddd ♥ p.s. today is fathers day and when i wake up im surprising your dad with a little present .. w.e. i could afford .. and a card with something nice written inside .. something that i hope only me u and him know .. theres also gonna be a picture of us three .. its one of my favoritesss .. hope you like iitt .. i lovee youuu & he does too .. show him your with us tomorrow .. please nic

I saw this picture and right away thought of you Samantha. I know you believe in signs, hope this picture brings you a sign of something you are looking for. Always thinking about you Mikey, Nick and NicNic.

Heyy nickk, i miss you so much... and i come on here all the time and read your mom, dad and mikeys candles and memories to make shure there ok.. i love your family like i love my own. theres no other way to describe it... On saturday ashleee had her party bus... i wish you coulda been there... Mikey came! he was on the pole! LMFAO! ahah! how cute he looked him his little suit...i was at your house today.. i love itt! THATS IT SAMANTHA your adopting me! i love you!! <3 ahah! ok  well nick i hope you've been hearing whats ive been saying to you all the time. &+ im pretty shure you are!!!!!!... Nickk all my promises i made to you i'm keeping! i always will keep them because i love you with all my heart!!

Hey My love, Its been a while since I Last wrote you.. I have been sick lately, today I feel a little better..

I got your messages the other day, especially with what was said about the photographs! I always believed that you would never leave our side.. I know this because of the man you are, the son you are, the friend you are to me and most importantly the love that you had for us, the love you had for me. I miss that so much...

I can’t begin to express the hollowness that lurks inside of me.. the loss of your love is something that cant be described, nor can the pain. I can’t describe any of it, and at times when I try all that surfaces is anger and frustration. Frustration, is that even a good word to describe the depths of it... definitely not..

I don’t know how to quantify, calculate, describe, express, draw, outline this pain, this hollowness, this life anymore... I know my love, that this life is just a temporary shelter for me. It is an impossible task to complete without you in it. IT IS!! It is impossible for me to go through a moment of my day without feeling the pain, without feeling like I want to sream, without feeling the massive turmoil inside, the anger, without feeling the constant emptiness and hollowness within me..

There isn’t a moment that I don’t wish to hear your voice, say, " Mom, I love you" or even just call Me Mama Dukes, or Mother or Woman... Oh, how I hated when you called me " woman" now, I would give anything just to hear YOUR VOICE say it again and again and again...

There isn’t a second that I don’t search to see your eyes, My God, those eyes always filled me with so much joy inside… The happiness my soul felt just looking at you is unexplainable… The only way I can describe it is “ YOUR EYES, (YOU) WERE A DRUG THAT KEPT ME FROM DYING… You kept me Whole.. YOUR SMILE KEPT ME ALIVE,,, THROUGH YOU I LIVED… Now, my love I struggle…………

I miss your hugs, you really knew how to hug and make everything better... Your kisses, your smoochums...or your head pressing against my (you know what) wanting to just go back inside and stay there forever... I wish I could place you there forever... I wish I would have known that I would wake up one day and never see your beautiful eyes again...hear your voice, see your smile, feel your hugs or just have you hear to talk to… I lost my best friend.. my soul. I wish I would have known early on, This way my love, I would have planned out my life to be free from other responsibility so I could have left this world with you... What IS this world without you in it? For me my love.. IT is a world Empty and Sorrowful.. Very, Very Sad..

I miss looking at you and Mikey and saying " My Boyz" I love my Boyz, you both are the lite of my life...I love you both the same way.. The difference My Love as you know, AS I Always Described,  you made me who I am, It was you whom I shared many, many days and nights holding, crying, laughing, It was you that I shared my dreams with, My future plans with.. My life revolved around you my love ( for 10 years)… When I first decided to go back to school, I consulted you… you were only 5 years old. Do you remember what you said to me… you said, Mommy, does going to college mean that we are going to be famous.. Then you said, you would be happy if I was happy going… So, I went back to school.. Everytime, I needed to study, you were so good to me.. You helped me… What is it all for now my love…  

I just wish I would have known... My Love... I wouldn’t be here right now... It wouldn’t matter to me my love, how I laid down with you so long as I did...

I remember how badly you wanted a brother or sister.. You asked me to have a brother or sister for you… You said you didn’t want to be lonely when you got older.. Now, Mikey is saying the same thing my love… He is so hurt… He said to me.. Why did Jesus take you, didn’t Jesus know that You and Him made promises to each other to hang out when he got older… I try my love to explain that Jesus did not do this to hurt him.. That other people did this…

My love, I always told you that I could not live life without you… We spoke about everything with eachother.. Not too long before you went to heaven, I was nervous about driving to school so far away… Do you remember how we spoke in the car,, when I told you if in the event I didn’t get home by a certain time… or if I died in a car accident.. you lost it.. and your face started to shake.. you said Mom, Don’t even joke like that.. I can’t live without you… we are like one.. How could you die, then you said, Don’t ever die Mom… not until your 99 years old.. How am I supposed to live… Its like saying I could live without my lungs or my heart… If you die mom before your 99 years old… I will die with you… We promised each other Jan 19, 2009… that we would always stay strong for eachother.. If either one of us died the other would die too…. That is what happened my love… I am DEAD… Just haven’t laid down yet…  I would love nothing more than to lay down this life and be with you… My will, my soul is gone with you… But my Love, as much as I want to, I can't for now because our other half needs us... Mikey, needs the same chance my love... At least until he is able. He is so good… He is so fragile and lost without you… His eyes also wrench me inside.. What is it with yours and his eyes… I think that he is going to make a great 2nd big brother... He always says that he will never forget his BIG brother..I know he won’t… In fact, he asks me to tell him about you when you were his age.. and younger.. he loves the stories... just like you, he loves the way I joke, just like you... He loves you very much.. and you can see that he is lost at times without you here... and at other times he is compensated by your friends... They visit often... they haven’t forgotten your love for them and it shows ...HE went on the party Bus with all of your friends the other day… He was so happy.. Now he says, I cant wait to go on another party bus.. Yeah.. Sure.. When he is 16 … haha

 

MY Love, Daddy is so lost without you too… He doesn’t go out anymore, his buddy is gone.. He still kisses you every night before he goes to bed.. I guess you know, this habit will never die.. I was watching him the other day as I always did you without your knowledge, His eyes, told me he is in a lot of pain my love… I watch him sometimes when he falls asleep on the couch and you could still see his pain seep through what used to be the peace of sleep.. There will never be peace my love. We will forever be in pain for you…

I wish I could have known that that place was bad, those people were bad, I would have never let you go… As for her, I wish that I did look into her eyes. I would have seen her evil… her maliciousness…She has lied about you. She has made many frivolous, Untrue statements about you as though she knew you.. She has portrayed you to be something that you are not.. She has spoken about you and me as though she knew us. Has she forgotten that you were only talking to her for about 6 weeks... Why would someone who only knew you for a minute claim so much...

I knew that there was something wrong with her when she told you she loved you a week after you started talking to her... when she tried to change the way you dressed 2 weeks after you started talking to her..when she demanded that you stop smoking 3 weeks after you started dating her.. When she started planning marriage with you only 3-4 weeks after you started talking with her, or planning to live together or planning children together soon after you started talking with her... I told you there was something wrong....

Why would she get so upset when you did not wear her tight fitted clothes...She thought she knew you... she thought that you would convert your character, your personality, your way for her... Why?

Why would she think that she could control you that way? why would she believe that she had it like that...Did she not know the Girl friends you have had? or the love you carried for Jenn? Why would she believe that you would be so different for her, when you never changed for the one you were In Love with? ..

Did these possessory thoughts seal your fate, when she chose not to call 911, when she heard you in physical respitatory distress (as she stated " I stood on the phone until his breathing got shallow). Could it be that she needed to possess your entire life by allowing you to die even after you told her that you were scared to close your eyes because you thought you were dying..and that you felt like your heart was slowing down...Why My Love, did she listen to your distress and not call for help?

she made enough statements claiming you as hers eternally and that no one could ever have you again...I often think about all of her statements and her actions and I try to understand it from an objective perspective... But it is difficult, as you know my love, Mikey says it all the time... Why didn't she call 911?, and he is only an infant...

Please, Please, My lord Jesus and My Mother, please be here by my side everyday.. Please give me grace when I lack it… Please hold my hand and guide me the opposite direction or path from these people.. Please give me the strength to remember the love my son had for everyone.. Please give me the strength to see everyone as your children and most importantly PLEASE BECOME MY EYES When Mine fail me to see YOU, MOTHER and NICNIC… and the purity that you demonstrate… PLEASE Guide me to those in need of love and compassion, Give me the strength to share my love with them and take away my anger, My thoughts and most importantly MY capacity to do….  Please walk with me and not behind me… I need you to always walk along my side and guide me to finish this life with JUSTICE and Love for those who need it and not…………..

I LOVE YOU NICNIC, I LOVE YOU MY LORD and ALWAYS, I LOVE YOU MOTHER MARY… I will forever burn in pain… Until I am in your arms again…

Give me the Grace…

 

heyy kiddoo ! i reallyyy miss youuu .. its like crazyyy ! i dont even know how i got through these past couple of weeks .. they've been so hectic and i couldnt stop thinking about you. When i went to seaside last weekend someone saw my bracelet for you and they were like OMG you knew nicky i was like dude thats my brother of course i knew him lol it amazes me how many people knew you and loved you, but doesnt surprise me in any way. well today is my GRADUATION DAYYY .. lol how many people thought id actually get here ?? not many but you were one of the few that knew i would. I love you so much it makes me cry just to think your not here with me right now. You would have been the first person at my graduation screamingg when they called my name .. i missyou kidd .. i was at my mass last night and m,y principal was up talking about a book she read, it was about a guy with terminal cancer and he ended up living longer then they expected and the book was his last like letter ttype thing to his kids and im just like i wish i knew the last thingss you wanted to say to us were .. i can honestly say im so happy me and you never left on a bad note because i can remember the last things we said to eachother .. and i thank god everyday that it was i love you .. and i made you repeat it over and over like i always did everytime we spoke! nicc it hurts so much to wake up everyday and know your not here with me anymore .. i love you so much and id do anything to get you back .. i just wish there was somethng i could do .. i miss you mikey does .. i cant even explain how u mom and dad probably feel but i can only imagine .. we all do nic!! You know what i was thinking about the entire time i was at my graduation mass last night .. i kept thinking .. since you arent with us physically anymore everything we wanted to do in life .. like graduate go to college move out get a job all that "good stuff" lol im gonna do it and im gonna do it for youu! im gonna make sure i get everything done and its all gonna be for you kidd!! i lovee you w. all my heartt - your my other halffff .. see you in a littlee .. i know you'll be theree watching me when they call me up to get  my diploma .. show me if your there .. love you nic <333333

I Love You & Miss You - Always In My Heart

My Other Half &hearts;

ITS MY GRADUATIONN BABYY - IM DOINGG IT FOR THE BOTHH OF USS <3