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Hana Xhudo "Living In the Knowing" October 17, 2021
Mommy Happy 29th Birthday " My 4Ever Love" April 21, 2021
My Soul & Serenity, 
Today is your 29th Birthday. Twenty Nine Years ago @ 5:14pm, I saw your beautiful face and it was that very moment that you gave me hope, and the feeling of infinite unconditional love. That moment you made me into a proud woman and mother. That very moment you took my breathe away and I no longer could breathe without you breathing with me. It was that very moment that you showed me that GOD's Glory was given through the innocence of your eyes and face. 29 Years ago you made me who I am Today and who I will be forever! 
I love you and miss your face and hugs terribly. 
Thank You always my Love for showing me that you are always with me. 
You will forever be my SOUL, SERENITY and SANITY. 
I look forward to that day when we embrace and dance to our tune, " On the Moon"

Mommy The knowing and Yet there is still PAIN! April 1, 2021
My Love, on MARCH 27th, you met Baba again. I prayed that you were amongst the first to greet him. I asked him to hug and Kiss you a thousand times. I believe he heard me my love. I saw he tried .....
My BooBoo, I live in a knowing. A knowing that is undeniably solid, yet It still hurts. It hurts sooo damn much at times its hard ....

The other day I imagined Baba seeing you and hugging & kissing you, although it was sooo peaceful to imagine it also gave me the greatest feeling of sadness and quite frankly got me jealous! I want to hug you and kiss you a thousand times. I miss you my love soooooooo much. 

I thought about how long Bute has waited to be with her only son again and thought I hope her time did not feel like my time. It seems like a thousand years for me. Maybe even longer!  I ache and that never goes away... A long Journey my love!!!!!

My booboo, Baba had a visiter a Man he didnt recognize that waited by his bedside " as he claimed" for almost a week. I hope it was his daddy! Then I also hope it was you! He didnt see you as a grown boy and maybe he didnt recognize you. Either way I know he was greeted by pure love.  I am greatful and thank god Jesus for his love and grace with Baba! 

Today, was Baba Burial. I didnt stay long enough to watch him leave the surface. Its was an end that I did not want to comprehend. A finality that I would rather not draw in my soul. For me, Baba is now off to work in Sync with you and the others while we too work here. To me, he is good and you are even better with your Grandpa there!  Harry came over me and felt quite ashamed for not visiting him for the past couple years. My God, the pain is always sooo fresh!  I needed to visit him today. I gave to him what I have held and he in turn took the weight of all the things I have been carrying.  I miss him sooooo much!!! SO I ask that you please give him an amazing Nicnic Hug and tell him that I love him and thank him for everything he has done here and continued to do for me through my life's journey. I know! TELL HIM THANK YOU FOR BEING THE BEST BIG BROTHER A LITTLE SISTER COULD HAVE! 

My booboo, you know where my heart and soul has its weakness. AS you know, It is this weakness that  provides me the very essence of strength to thrive.  What will I do without the very weakness that gives me my strength??????

Please ask my Jesus, especially during times when my my heart & soul is screaming , thus becoming muffled to PLEASE BE THERE IN MY TIME OF NEED!  I will always NEED him my love. I will always be in need and there is NO one that can provide the shelter my heart and soul needs with the mercy it requires at all times. PLEASE ALWAYS HOLD MY HAND MY LOVE! 

Please give BABA my love. Tell him I will not see his passing as an end but rather the beginning and ask that HE TOO now Hold my hand when my times of need arise and always because as you know " I am always in NEED". Booboo, Baba doesnt really know how needy I am! haahaha!  Always will be in need of Grace and Mercy and will always always seek it from My Jesus, You, Harry, farije and Now Baba and all of life's parted angels! 

I Love you beyonds words can say. I love you to the moon and back. 
One day soon my love we will be dancing on the moon!!!!~! 
My forever love, you will always be my soul, serenity and sanity!!!
Hana Xhudo Happy Birthday Nicnic April 21, 2020
Happy Birthday Nicnic Teze has been not herself for sometime now & I know you see me bc I see you when I smell your Curve or get a glimpse you passing by. Have the greatest Birthday Party you ever had & let me know by thunder lightening you hear me.

I love you & miss you too...Teze
Mommy MY Forever Love - do not send March 27, 2020
Hey My Sunshine and World.

Its been a very long while since I have visited here. I didnt stop because I stopped aching and missing you. I was in the Desert My Love. A desert that seemed like it bore no end. I am still somewhat in the desert, but I am nearing my way out. It was hard but feeling you and getting your messages " in crazy ways at times' as helped me through this place. 
My love, you know where my heart and soul was this New Years Eve. You know. I know that you did know because you gave me the message and answered my cries. Thank You. I will forever hold it true to me.  My love,  I cant give you all the credit because in doing so I will take from My Jesus what is his and his only. So with that,  I will thank you for showing me that you have always remained with me and by my side. I ached and felt the depths of sadness for a long time now. Without you and your love I could not have made it. You have given me reason to stay afloat even when I am at my worst. Thank you my sunshine. 

I do not know if you feel the same distance in time. I hope you do not because time here has become an enemy for me. It is 11 years my love. Soon you will become 28 years old without me. I am without you here in physical form and you without me there. I hope we are destined to be as one again when I come home. 

My love , a few weeks ago, as I was sitting in the car watching the water down the block, I felt a feeling come over me. A feeling that I can not desribe with words came over me and made me feel like my spirit had fallen ( a complete surrender/ calming). My shoulders dropped and whatever feeling of  living weight I had just fell off of me. I felt a calming. A falling . I felt the need to close my eyes. As soon as I closed my eyes. I saw my Jesus. My love, I saw him clearly. I could describe the very detail of his face, hair, eyes, chin. He kissed my left cheek. When he kissed it, I truly felt it. I opened my eyes gasping in tears with thanking him. They were thankful tears, they were why me tears as well. I have been asking that within my heart of hearts. Why me. I am soooo broken and sooo lost.
Why was I graced to even lay my eyes ( closed eyes) on my Jesus. Why did he Kiss my cheek my love. I have been thinking about it since then. I question myself and whether I am supposed to do something for him. My love I love him immensely. You know I always did, even when you were here. But I love him even more now after you went home to him.

Is it fair to say that I LOVE HIM MORE NOW for LOVING YOU. I dont know how to explain  what I feel except to say that what I feel is the Truth of the knowing that he is the VERY reason why you are home, in peace, pure love, harmony and Bliss. He is holding you; the heart of my heart. He holds the very part of my soul that made me whole. He is sharing his divine love with you.

My love I feel him and his love. I feel what I believe is the love you feel. During my time in what I call the Desert, I had experienced the most unbearable sadness. During this time, when I reached the depths opf sadness and loneliness,  this overwhelming feeling of home and love had come over me. SO much so that I had become tempted to go home. I was driving on a bridge and while at a stop I looked at  the briges edge. I had a feeling of " yes" at the thought of jumping, but immediately that feeling of love, and home quickly engulfed me and what was a feeling of " yes" for the edge of that bridge became " no" from/for the love of my Jesus. He has been burdened by my chronic needs I know. I am sorry that I am sooooo needy. I dont know that I will ever be whole if I am not within him, with him, and he with ME ALWAYS. 

My love, I belive today more than yesterday that I can do anything so long as My Jesus is always holding my hand. Iask that he never never let me go. AS having known my heart you and My Jesus will know the depths of where my heart goes. Walks with me and along side of me,. So long as he continues to shed his light on all those who he wishes for me to see on the surface and from within. I believe that he is my direct source of perseverence, strength and is the foundation of my passion. I will reamin loyal to him becasue I love him and appreciate his undivided 

I have always told you that you are the other hald of my soul. So when you are being loved, I feel the love. How can I not Love my Jesus more. My Jesus knows my heart and with that I think he will understand that I love him because he is the ONLY True Friend who has given me a world filled with knowledge and knowing. He has given me a split moment experience that will take the balance of this life to ponder on and reciporcate. 
Mommy Happy 27th Birthday MY LOVE! April 21, 2019
MY Soul, Serenity and SANITY...
Happy 27th Birthday.
10 Birthdays without you my love.
Today we had your cake and set off balloons with messages for you in Naples.
It is too long my love. 10 years, but a thousand to me.
What I have learned I dont wish on anyone. What this life has become I dont wish on anyone. The endless vicious cycle of emptiness, lonliness, sadness, sorrow, endless reflections, endless realizations, and endless days. I prmoised you and My Jesus that I would do this life always smiling. Smiling for you and For My Jesus. My way of letting you both know I trust and I beleive. I do believe my love. BUT NO MORE my love. NO MORE lifes like this one.

My love, while I live in this life without you, I will hold to my promise and yes  I will smile and I will cry, But I will Shine in the knowing that you are just a heart beat away. I will live this hell knowing that I will one day in the near be with you. IT MUST BE FOREVER.  I Miss you with every molecule, every cell. I miss you so damn much it is beyond pain. It hurts my love.

Today, Angelina asked many questions about you. It was enlightening for her. She absorbed the answers and gazed up into the sky with sad eyes and then a smile appeared which gave me reason to smile even though I wanted to scream and cry. I dont know my love. I dont understand and maybe one day I will and that will be the day! I cant thank My Jesus enough for answering my prayer and letters. I asked and he Gave me the ability to see your eyes. Ilove her soooooo much. My little Wonder and Joy.

Mikey misses you alot as well. He is soooooo Good to me my love. He is my Rock and my angel. I sang him that song for so long. Long before you left me and now it makes sense to me. The soul knows!

I sent you a message on one of the balloons. I came home and decided to sit outside. I decided to listen to some music. I turned on the Bluetooth and turned on my radio and then came the song for MAMA... I got your message, Thank you for letting me know that you got mine. YOu always do and I cant thank you enough. I just wish I can see you. I cant tell you how much it would mean to me. Even if it is just for a couple of moments. My love it will give me rise and reason. You know that ybeyond ou make it possible for me to continue. I need it. IT HAS BEEN A LONG THOUSAND YEARS. I need you always. Pop in my love.

I was thinking about how my heart ached and how I was completely engulfed in love of you. I loved you and still do in a way that is unexplainabe. I Ached my Love. I ached just looking into your eyes. I LOVED YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN Say. I didnt let you do thngs because I ACHED. I STILL DO... NOw more than ever. If it were possible to open my soul you would find that it is scarred from your departure as deep as the universe.  But filled with complete utter love for you, Mikey and Angie. I love you.

I was thinking today and praying that time is not a factor in heaven. I can not imagine that you are 27 there without me. I cant imagine that 10 years of the best part of your life was spent without me. I cant imagine that you have become a man without me. i hope that when my time comes to go home , I will find you the same way I last looked into your eyes and your face. I hope that GOD allows me the time with you that I have missed. I have missed LIFE , LOVE WITH YOU< FROM YOU AND FOR YOU. I ask you to one day ( sooner than later) explain why I was chosen to do this life.  It is not life for me without you. IT JUST is space that I occupy. I dont see anything the same way. I just am.

PLEASE stand still in time, I need to know that I get to see you grow. I get to see all the things that I cant EVER see here anymore. I pray and will always pray that this is given to me. THAT is all.

You were SOOOOO good to me. you showed me that love is unconditional. Your love for me was soo pure.  You were my best friend, My Son, MY SOUL  and the love of my life. When I first saw your face,& your eyes,  It was then that I knew that you have been with me for as long as I lived. I knew that your were apart of my soul. You gave me reason and because of you and you only I was born when you were born. 

That very first time I saw your Face on 4/21/1992 @ 5:14pm , I took my first true breath of life. I wanted to live because you were now with me. I didnt belong before you and it was then that I knew that it was so because you werent with me before. I then knew that I had to live. You see my love, you gave me true reason to feel like I belonged. I belonged to you and you to me. You made me a mom but you also made me feel something I didnt know before, UNCONDITIONAL, unrelenting and unlimted infinite LOVE. Your little baby eyes and face gave me life. You gave me reason. Thank you for being my reason, my soul, my serenity and my sanity. Do you now understand why I always told you that you were the SSS... You are my soul. You are what brings me my serenity and my sanity. Before you I struggled to find it and feel it. I will always belong to you and you to me. PLEASE stand still my love. Stay here with me and be there when its my time. Hopefuly the Ripe and Right is sooner than later.

I MISS YOU, I miss you soooooooooooooo much.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY my love. A visit while I sleep is needed.

PS: I got the message at the airport.
Thank You!

Teze Happy 26th Birthday April 21, 2018 April 21, 2018
Nicnic happy 26th birthday can’t believe your 26, go have fun now you have grandpa Joe with you; don’t drink just a tequila shot. 
Nicnic I dwell a lot and most of the time I get lost in time when you were little how I would watch Ajdar looking after you, & I would say in my mind two boys that I love so much, that I always felt as if I gave birth to you said it to your mom all the time I can’t explain it but that how I always feel when it came to you.

I miss you a lot love you sooo much don’t want to take you away from celebrating your birthday
Mommy Heaven is for Real January 30, 2018

My Love,
I guess I don't have to tell you much of what Father Pat said yesterday, because I know you were there with us. Although Father could not give me an answer where he got what he said, other than to say it just came to him. I believe it was you and Jesus. I have pondered the thoughts and questioned whether it could be true. I often still do with other things as well. What I do know now more than ever is that what I have pondered on," is what it is". There are things that sometimes are explained by what people rule in or out as chance, coincidence, luck or otherwise. I know and live in the truth of the knowing that there is nothing for nothing and that there is no such thing as chance or otherwise.  I live in the knowing that all things are possible and intended by the grace of God. I also know that you are ALIVE and living in a place where our imagination truly can't envision. I know that life bears no end and that you did in fact walk with Jesus when you transitioned into the bliss of heaven. I know this more so today than yesterday and will know so until I bear witness to the truth that carries me today.  

Father God, I want to thank you from the depths of my soul for allowing me the wisdom to see, to hear and to know. I thank you for guiding me, speaking to me and most importantly for being my strength and the light in all of my darkest days. I thank you for holding my hand and for guiding me through this journey and road my life is on. I can't say that I have been an easy task because I know that I myself could not have dealt with me without you. Thank you for showing me all that you have. Thank you for telling me all that you did. Thank you for investing in me " a broken person" with all that you have. You have given me an immense amount that I did not deserve and probably never will.  You invested in me even when I did not deserve your grace. You have shown me through the constant that you were always there and never left me.

I always told you that I would not turn a blinds eye, and only asked that you just be there in my time of need. I was angry with you for a very short moment after Nicnic, and that seemed like a lifetime for me. I am sorry that I did have a molecular second of anger towards you. You have shown me that you were there from the very moment you took Nicnic's hand and walked with him into your paradise. I knew this but questioned it, just the same. I heard you and saw and questioned that too. You gave me the ability to tap into you through my spirit and even that was sometimes questioned. I do not know what I have done to deserve your undivided love and immense patience in me. I would like to believe it is because you know my heart, you know my soul and know me better than I know myself. If this is not the case, than I would like to believe that you have a sense of humor..... I am broken my lord and you have been the constant that has enabled me to BE.... I hope that as I journey through this life, even if it for just a moment left in time that I can do for you what you have done for me. You have truly, truly given me peace in this life, so filled with the most unbearable pain, suffering and loneliness.

My lord, you knew that I could not do this life without seeing Nicnic's eyes. You gifted me with the ability to look and see his eyes. You knew as you did with so much more, and you didn't turn a blinds eye. Even though I am broken and filled with flaws and sin, You  helped me along the way and provided me with an unconditional friendship that I can't live without . You have listened and have responded by way of your heavenly messengers more times than I deserved. You have given me the ability to know, see and hear TRUTH. You have held my hand and have been my shield more times than I can count. You sent messengers when you saw that I needed you the most. You changed the path that I was walking on and carried me ( as heavy as I was) and never let me go. You are the sole reason why" I am who I am".

I can't complain not even with the pain I embrace. How could I when I have the ultimate best friend in you. I will accept life so long as I live in the knowing of your presence and love. This life is nothing without you dwelling in it with me. I ask that you always remember my spirit, my heart and remember that no matter where I am or what it is I am doing you will always be the forefront of my world. You will always be my driving force. I know that I have always loved you and believed in you but I have to admit that my love for you has grown to an infinite now. You hold my son ( your Son too). You have given me something that I can only hope the world can see and feel. I love you in a way that can't be put in words. I can only hope that when you enter my heart and spirit that you feel the love I have for you and that it makes you as happy as you have made me.

I will not say that the flesh is not sad or that the flesh is not hurting because it is and will because of the immense loneliness my heart  feels for NicNic.  I MISS HIM MY LORD. I miss his voice, his breath, his smile, his laughter. I MISS HIS HUGS AND KISSES, I miss his friendship and miss feeling whole with him here with me in the flesh. He was and remains to be my other half. I know it to be true when I say that my soul split with him. I think you know this too. So, I will ache for him until you have allowed me the grace of holding him again. But In the depths of who I am, I am fulfilled with the knowing of your love and the sweetness my spirit feels when we embrace.  I am who I am because of you. I am a broken in every way possible, but possibly still a viable lamb who seeks her Sheppard always.

  I ask that you be here with me every step of the way, literally until I reach that gate where you can allow Nicnic to greet me. I want him to hold my hand and walk me through to all that I have yearned for and miss dearly. I want this first my Lord, because when I am done spending some time with them, I want Nicnic to take me to where you are so that I can kneel in front of you and kiss your feet. I want to rest my cheek on your feet and let go.... I want to lay my tears of joy on your lap. I want to hold your hands and kiss them. I want to kiss your cheeks, I want to lay my head against your heart and fall within it so that I may dwell in the love you have for eternity. I want to spend as much time with you in hopes that I can give to you what you have given to me. I want to make you proud as you have made me proud to love you and live in your truth. Then, I want to spend every single " now" with NicNic and of course Stalking you everywhere you go. I don't know if paradise has shadows. If it doesn't rest assured that I will be yours. Just like a lamb who has permanently lost her way, in the hands of her Sheppard I will yield my soul, my spirit and my eternity ( of course where there is one lost lamb there are others, so you may have more than one shadow... Nicnic and as you know,  in time will come the balance of my little lambs whom are yours too). Hopefully they will make you proud of them too.  

Finally, I will try to remain simple for you but please forgive me if I lose my way. Carry me even though I am heavy, and on some days even heavier with the excess water weight. If I am too heavy just Holding my hand will do. Please don't ever let go. I am broken, twisted and not one of your easiest tasks but please stay with me anyway. I love you my lord and best friend. Please tell my BooBoo that he is my world and that I need his visits more than I can say. Hugs and Kisses are needed frequently.


Love you My Lord and Best Friend. Love you my Forever Love NicNic. 4 Ever!~

I love you Harry, Farije, Mark, Bute, Don, My Handsome PAPA ( I will never forget you and will always carry you with me too) Maryann, and all others. When I get there we are going to create colors of joy not noted in heaven right now. Then we are going to come here and raise some hairs! hehehe.... 

Ashlee <3 I miss you <3 January 30, 2018
Hey there, 

I know I talk to you all the time, but today I wanted to write to you.

Last night Father Pat said something that really made me think. He said, (paraphrasing) "Its not the two dates that count, but the dash in between". Your dash created an imprint on my life, as many others, and because of that, there is no way in the world I could ever forget you, or ever want to.

I love you Nick. I couldn't imagine my life without you, you were my angel that I got to feel and see. I am very lucky person, because not many people get to have angels in their lives. Not many people have angels that throw rocks at their windows, or throw them over their shoulders and carry them home. Not many people get to meet people like you, and I am blessed to have gotten to share so many memories, treasure so many hugs, learn so many lessons and most of all, see what really caring really means. You have been a stepping stone, a foundation, a library and a constant flow of belief in my life. I couldn't thank you enough.

I have been blessed to be close to your family. I love them. And when I am with them, I know you're there too. I love that they too love me. And that they let me share in their lives. I really appreciate it more than they will ever know. <3 

It snowed today. It snowed 9 years ago as well. And to me, that will always make me feel like you are there. You are with me. You are with us. All because it snowed. And just like every snowflake, you were unique. Just like snow on the trees, you as a whole, were beautiful. And just like the feeling of running through the snow in the morning, you were magical. And just as the snow melts, and returns back the sky, You do too. But most importantly, just like snow, I know you'll always be back.

Una Due Tu Shum <3  I always will.

Love Always,
Ashlee <3  
Teze Happy New Year 2018 December 31, 2017
Nicnic Happy New Year show everyone how to celebrate New Years!! I always look at this picture of you & Ajdar how its painful that you both never got the chance to hang, talk, or go to the gym together as you planned. Nicnic you are right "Love is Pain". I miss you so much & I grieve in silence, my tears, broken heart & soul screamimg in silence. Tears no one sees, grieveing of missing you, the heartache no one hears just SILENCE. It so silent I feel like I will explode inside my heart & soul.
I listen to George Micheal's song every now & then ( Different Corner ) the song has different meanings to people but the pain of love in the song rips me apart because it reminds me of you & your tatoo on your bottom lip.

Nicnic have a great New Year with everyone in Heaven kiss my baby girl Genet Harry Farije Bute & everyone that I miss & love. 

Teze Loves you SOOOOOOOOO Much & misses you.
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