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Teze Happy 26th Birthday April 21, 2018 April 21, 2018
 
Nicnic happy 26th birthday can’t believe your 26, go have fun now you have grandpa Joe with you; don’t drink just a tequila shot. 
Nicnic I dwell a lot and most of the time I get lost in time when you were little how I would watch Ajdar looking after you, & I would say in my mind two boys that I love so much, that I always felt as if I gave birth to you said it to your mom all the time I can’t explain it but that how I always feel when it came to you.

I miss you a lot love you sooo much don’t want to take you away from celebrating your birthday
Mommy Heaven is for Real January 30, 2018
 

My Love,
I guess I don't have to tell you much of what Father Pat said yesterday, because I know you were there with us. Although Father could not give me an answer where he got what he said, other than to say it just came to him. I believe it was you and Jesus. I have pondered the thoughts and questioned whether it could be true. I often still do with other things as well. What I do know now more than ever is that what I have pondered on," is what it is". There are things that sometimes are explained by what people rule in or out as chance, coincidence, luck or otherwise. I know and live in the truth of the knowing that there is nothing for nothing and that there is no such thing as chance or otherwise.  I live in the knowing that all things are possible and intended by the grace of God. I also know that you are ALIVE and living in a place where our imagination truly can't envision. I know that life bears no end and that you did in fact walk with Jesus when you transitioned into the bliss of heaven. I know this more so today than yesterday and will know so until I bear witness to the truth that carries me today.  

Father God, I want to thank you from the depths of my soul for allowing me the wisdom to see, to hear and to know. I thank you for guiding me, speaking to me and most importantly for being my strength and the light in all of my darkest days. I thank you for holding my hand and for guiding me through this journey and road my life is on. I can't say that I have been an easy task because I know that I myself could not have dealt with me without you. Thank you for showing me all that you have. Thank you for telling me all that you did. Thank you for investing in me " a broken person" with all that you have. You have given me an immense amount that I did not deserve and probably never will.  You invested in me even when I did not deserve your grace. You have shown me through the constant that you were always there and never left me.

I always told you that I would not turn a blinds eye, and only asked that you just be there in my time of need. I was angry with you for a very short moment after Nicnic, and that seemed like a lifetime for me. I am sorry that I did have a molecular second of anger towards you. You have shown me that you were there from the very moment you took Nicnic's hand and walked with him into your paradise. I knew this but questioned it, just the same. I heard you and saw and questioned that too. You gave me the ability to tap into you through my spirit and even that was sometimes questioned. I do not know what I have done to deserve your undivided love and immense patience in me. I would like to believe it is because you know my heart, you know my soul and know me better than I know myself. If this is not the case, than I would like to believe that you have a sense of humor..... I am broken my lord and you have been the constant that has enabled me to BE.... I hope that as I journey through this life, even if it for just a moment left in time that I can do for you what you have done for me. You have truly, truly given me peace in this life, so filled with the most unbearable pain, suffering and loneliness.

My lord, you knew that I could not do this life without seeing Nicnic's eyes. You gifted me with the ability to look and see his eyes. You knew as you did with so much more, and you didn't turn a blinds eye. Even though I am broken and filled with flaws and sin, You  helped me along the way and provided me with an unconditional friendship that I can't live without . You have listened and have responded by way of your heavenly messengers more times than I deserved. You have given me the ability to know, see and hear TRUTH. You have held my hand and have been my shield more times than I can count. You sent messengers when you saw that I needed you the most. You changed the path that I was walking on and carried me ( as heavy as I was) and never let me go. You are the sole reason why" I am who I am".

I can't complain not even with the pain I embrace. How could I when I have the ultimate best friend in you. I will accept life so long as I live in the knowing of your presence and love. This life is nothing without you dwelling in it with me. I ask that you always remember my spirit, my heart and remember that no matter where I am or what it is I am doing you will always be the forefront of my world. You will always be my driving force. I know that I have always loved you and believed in you but I have to admit that my love for you has grown to an infinite now. You hold my son ( your Son too). You have given me something that I can only hope the world can see and feel. I love you in a way that can't be put in words. I can only hope that when you enter my heart and spirit that you feel the love I have for you and that it makes you as happy as you have made me.

I will not say that the flesh is not sad or that the flesh is not hurting because it is and will because of the immense loneliness my heart  feels for NicNic.  I MISS HIM MY LORD. I miss his voice, his breath, his smile, his laughter. I MISS HIS HUGS AND KISSES, I miss his friendship and miss feeling whole with him here with me in the flesh. He was and remains to be my other half. I know it to be true when I say that my soul split with him. I think you know this too. So, I will ache for him until you have allowed me the grace of holding him again. But In the depths of who I am, I am fulfilled with the knowing of your love and the sweetness my spirit feels when we embrace.  I am who I am because of you. I am a broken in every way possible, but possibly still a viable lamb who seeks her Sheppard always.

  I ask that you be here with me every step of the way, literally until I reach that gate where you can allow Nicnic to greet me. I want him to hold my hand and walk me through to all that I have yearned for and miss dearly. I want this first my Lord, because when I am done spending some time with them, I want Nicnic to take me to where you are so that I can kneel in front of you and kiss your feet. I want to rest my cheek on your feet and let go.... I want to lay my tears of joy on your lap. I want to hold your hands and kiss them. I want to kiss your cheeks, I want to lay my head against your heart and fall within it so that I may dwell in the love you have for eternity. I want to spend as much time with you in hopes that I can give to you what you have given to me. I want to make you proud as you have made me proud to love you and live in your truth. Then, I want to spend every single " now" with NicNic and of course Stalking you everywhere you go. I don't know if paradise has shadows. If it doesn't rest assured that I will be yours. Just like a lamb who has permanently lost her way, in the hands of her Sheppard I will yield my soul, my spirit and my eternity ( of course where there is one lost lamb there are others, so you may have more than one shadow... Nicnic and as you know,  in time will come the balance of my little lambs whom are yours too). Hopefully they will make you proud of them too.  

Finally, I will try to remain simple for you but please forgive me if I lose my way. Carry me even though I am heavy, and on some days even heavier with the excess water weight. If I am too heavy just Holding my hand will do. Please don't ever let go. I am broken, twisted and not one of your easiest tasks but please stay with me anyway. I love you my lord and best friend. Please tell my BooBoo that he is my world and that I need his visits more than I can say. Hugs and Kisses are needed frequently.

 

Love you My Lord and Best Friend. Love you my Forever Love NicNic. 4 Ever!~

I love you Harry, Farije, Mark, Bute, Don, My Handsome PAPA ( I will never forget you and will always carry you with me too) Maryann, and all others. When I get there we are going to create colors of joy not noted in heaven right now. Then we are going to come here and raise some hairs! hehehe.... 

Ashlee <3 I miss you <3 January 30, 2018
 
Hey there, 

I know I talk to you all the time, but today I wanted to write to you.

Last night Father Pat said something that really made me think. He said, (paraphrasing) "Its not the two dates that count, but the dash in between". Your dash created an imprint on my life, as many others, and because of that, there is no way in the world I could ever forget you, or ever want to.

I love you Nick. I couldn't imagine my life without you, you were my angel that I got to feel and see. I am very lucky person, because not many people get to have angels in their lives. Not many people have angels that throw rocks at their windows, or throw them over their shoulders and carry them home. Not many people get to meet people like you, and I am blessed to have gotten to share so many memories, treasure so many hugs, learn so many lessons and most of all, see what really caring really means. You have been a stepping stone, a foundation, a library and a constant flow of belief in my life. I couldn't thank you enough.

I have been blessed to be close to your family. I love them. And when I am with them, I know you're there too. I love that they too love me. And that they let me share in their lives. I really appreciate it more than they will ever know. <3 

It snowed today. It snowed 9 years ago as well. And to me, that will always make me feel like you are there. You are with me. You are with us. All because it snowed. And just like every snowflake, you were unique. Just like snow on the trees, you as a whole, were beautiful. And just like the feeling of running through the snow in the morning, you were magical. And just as the snow melts, and returns back the sky, You do too. But most importantly, just like snow, I know you'll always be back.

Una Due Tu Shum <3  I always will.

Love Always,
Ashlee <3  
Teze Happy New Year 2018 December 31, 2017
 
Nicnic Happy New Year show everyone how to celebrate New Years!! I always look at this picture of you & Ajdar how its painful that you both never got the chance to hang, talk, or go to the gym together as you planned. Nicnic you are right "Love is Pain". I miss you so much & I grieve in silence, my tears, broken heart & soul screamimg in silence. Tears no one sees, grieveing of missing you, the heartache no one hears just SILENCE. It so silent I feel like I will explode inside my heart & soul.
I listen to George Micheal's song every now & then ( Different Corner ) the song has different meanings to people but the pain of love in the song rips me apart because it reminds me of you & your tatoo on your bottom lip.

Nicnic have a great New Year with everyone in Heaven kiss my baby girl Genet Harry Farije Bute & everyone that I miss & love. 

Teze Loves you SOOOOOOOOO Much & misses you.
Hana Xhudo From Mommy with her Soul December 28, 2017
 
I wrote you a long letter but the computer made it disappear. I hope it was you that received it. I miss you my love~
H
appy New Year
Teze Merry Christmas December 25, 2017
 

I fight my tears when I smell you, or when you leave me feathers. There are many times I get a glimpse of you & want to chase you then you disappear.
When I see you at times your at my grasp I reach you & you leave. I want so much for you to stay that glimpse or you just walking by I just wish you can stay.

The love & pain hasn’t changed since the day you left, I just hide it & grieve in silence.

Nicnic on this blessed day Enjoy Christmas with Jesus & all of those we love that are with you.

love you always Teze 

Teze Happy Thanksgiving November 23, 2017
 
Nicnic  happy Thanksgiving bud, Teze so sorry I haven’t been here. I always think about you, my eyes, arms, heart, & soul yearn just to have you here with us. I miss kissing your face, hearing your corky laughter, your ways of making us laugh I miss all that. I miss our private talks which by now you know I told your mom. I my private moments I Cry about what could of been It tears me up inside.

Nicnic go have fun on this Thanksgiving day with everyone my baby Genet,Harry, Farije & Bute. Please hug them all and tell them I love them so much especially my baby. (My baby I wish I had seen your face before you left, all I see is your curly dark hair in my dreams mommy loves you)

Nicnic Teze ❤️ loves you sooooo much, happy Thanksgiving kiddo!

Teze Happy Birthday Nicnic April 20, 2017
 
Nicnic Happy Birthday tomorrow have a beautiful joyful birthday with everyone in heaven. Teze sorry not been myself lately my body falling apart dont have much control whats happening to it but it is what it is. I miss you so much I always think of you no matter what I am doing. I grab your pillow at times when I need to hug you, and at times I look for a hug & your there.  I love you kid so much I miss you terribly.Cry

Go Enjoy your Birthday Tomorrow throw some heaven dust our way I love you...Teze
angelina my sunshine February 17, 2017
 
nicnic
i want to see you when i am sleeping and then see you when i am awake. i will se you when i am awake becus you are my sunshine. i will see you when you are my baby too.
i love you
angelina
Teze New Years Eve 12/31/2016 December 31, 2016
 
Nicnic Happy New Years bud, also let Jenet Harry Farije Bute & everyone we know and love I said Happy New years 2017! I can't believe another year has come & gone and your handsome face I don't get to see kiss or hug. I miss you Nicnic so much ❤️❤️❤️ My heart aches my soul burns just to hug you. I picked this picture because I look at it alot, & I made your mom so mad at me for not letting her sleep with you. It was amazing how you never cried when you were hungry or when you pooped or anything just made small noises.

Lately Nicnic I have you & Jenet always on my mind asking if you know each other, if you hang with each other. If you know what Jenet looks like, would she know who you are. Does she know Harry Farije Bute. Will she know me if she saw me? Nicnic, Jenet has been in thought a lot I hope she is in your care & your looking out for her as she is looking out for you. I Miss you Nicnic so much that you and Jenet have left footprints on my heart & soul.Cry

HAPPY NEW YEAR NICNIC TEZE LOVES YOU, HUG JENET FOR ME & TELL HER I LOVE HER & WISH I KNEW WHAT HER FACE LOOK LIKE.CryCryCry
Total Memories: 244
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