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My Love,
I guess I dont have to tell you much of where I have been or what I have been doing or going through, because I know you have been with me and are going through it with me. I know this my love, Yet It is still hard.
I ask that you be here with me every step of the way, literally until I reach that gate where you can then hold my hand and walk me through. While I believe in the glory of heaven, the peace, the pure love and wonders of all things beautiful, I still wonder and still yearn for you to be here.

I imagine that we are in sync with heaven and that the difference between us and you is a split second of time ( a heart beat away) a dimension of time equal to a mirror image effect with the one side being the dark and the other being the light. All things the same except the individual souls and their experiences.. One the one side of the mirror there are tears and struggles, the other side smiles and achievements. On the one side illness and pain. The other side pure well being and agility. On the one side, Loss of love & Loniliness, the other side, unconditional love and togetherness and so on.

I hope that you have  worked the wonders of heaven to your advantage and joy. I hope you are living your spiritual life to thefullest with a little bit of good mischief for fun. I hope you have not grown or have changed much since I last saw your beautiful face. I hope that there is dancing and that you are doing much of it. I hope there is dating and that you are doing much of that too. Dont forget what mama has always said.. " No Sh......" , hahahaha... Take that for fun and games. 
God/Jesus I beleive has a wonderful sense of Humor . I believe he has a wonderful one in store for me. I wait for the greatest of all. I imagine the " Tree" and laugh. I hope I dont face that. 

I often imagine the pure love, joy and bliss you have embraced and I cry because I believe it to be true however I ache to physically see you, just so that I can just hold you. I need to feel you kiss my face and your arms holding me. I NEED to Hear you call my name. I need you my love. I am needy and will be even more so soon. I dont know how I am going to make it through without you so please please hold my hand and NEVER NEVER NEVER let it go. YOu know the Drill...............

I will try to remain simple for you but please forgive me if I lose my way. Please ask My Jesus to Carry me and guide me to remain on his graces and to always hold my hand as well. I can not do this....
I love you my forever love.

Love you always
Your mamadukes.

Teze Merry Christmas Dec 25 2016 December 25, 2016
Merry Christmas Nicnic I wish I can kiss that face that I love & miss so much. Cry My heart and soul aches to see you, my arms burn to hug you, my eyes are blined without sight of you, my lips dry without kisses on your face; I miss you kiddo so much seconds dont go by without you in thought.

Please let Harry, Farije, Jenet(my baby), Bute & everyone we know I said Merry Christmas I love them so much & miss them too, especially my baby Jenet.

Nicnic I want you to have the best Christmas with Jesus & Mother Mary & everyone else that loves you. I just wish you were here instead, it may sound selfish but thats how I feel.CryCryCry

Merry Christmas bud...Teze Loves You Soooooooo Much!
Teze Nove 24 2016 Happy Thanksgiving November 24, 2016
Nicnic Happy Thanksgiving bud, you are so missed & there are days I ask when will I wake up to see that is was just a bad dream. There are days I see you just passing by or I smell you. Those are the days that makes me ache that reality smacks you in the face like sledge hammer. CryCryCry I wish I can find a road that leads you back to us. Is there a road that only God knows & we dont see, are we blind to what we need to see or are we just in limbo?

I always vision your graduation day, your goofing around, laughing that I miss so much, your special hugs that felt like Harry was hugging. The vision that breaks me into trillions of pieces is your wedding & you becoming a dad Cry; I am a total mess when I see these things & a song plays that I downloaded its a dance song but the words I know it fits who you are (Forever).


Teze I Love you nicnic September 16, 2016
I cant believe there are days that I feel you & the other days reminder your not here where I can hug you & kiss your handsome face.This picture I saw & the words hit me like a bulldozer; Nicnic I miss you so much. (kiss my little girl Jenet please she comes to mind a lot tell her mommy loves her I will ho;d her again)

How time passes so fast & yet it feels like yesterday, words & pain is like dust in the wind no one sees, hears or feels your loss & pain. Sometime I think its better that way or maybe God intended  it to be this way I have no idea but SILENCE is also devistating to the heart & soul. I find my self Nicnic in so much SILENCE I actually can hear my heart beat maybe its because I dont share my greif of loss with anyone except my pillows. I believe its better this way I dont burden my thoughts & feelings on anyone.CryCryCry

I cried two days ago missing Harry's hugs CryCryCry& you Nicnic have the same hugs I became hysrerical & it made me more alone. Tell Harry I need his hugs sometimes so I can feel less heavy. Harry hugs always lifted any burden that sat on my mind, shoulder, heart & soul even physically I use to feel heavy burden & Harry hugged me I always felt like I was floating.

I will visit so again ask God to just give me my strength back so I can get back on my feet...thanks!

Teze loves you so  much hugs & kisses from me also give Jenet Harry Farije Bute all my love I miss them so much!
Mama Dukes Happy Anniversary February 1, 2016

Its seem like its a thousand years and yet its only seven. Seven years, I couldnt stay without you for a moment, even when I let you go with papa to florida.. I hopped on that plane and met you there. A thousand years my love....
I couldnt sleep without seeing your eyes, your face, and kissing you goodnight.
I couldnt breathe at the thought of you being an hour away and now I am here a thousand years without you.
My spirit has weakened, my body has aged,without you here with me. I know you are present because I feel you and you leave me amazing signs... I just NEEEEED to kiss you and see your eyes.... I need to hold you and smell you, I need to hear you call my name. If only once, I promise it will carry me for another thousand years.

I love you with my life, you are the heart of my heart, the blood that runs through me. You are my soul, my serenity and my sanity always.

Ashlee <3 January 30, 2016
Hey Nick,

I miss you, a lot. I wish you were here physically to share the last seven years with me, the ups, the downs, the in betweens. I wish you were at my wedding, dancing, eating, celebrating. I know that you're here still. I know even though I can't hug you, that you are here. I don't think you would've missed my wedding, or anyday. I know you have a lot of people to visit, and maybe thats why I haven't seen you in my dreams for so long, but I dont think you're gone. Because even when you were with us, and I needed you in impossible times, you made it to me. You have always been an angel in the form of my best friend. 

Years could pass and pass, but I could never forget you. You were so unique. If there was no you, for younger me, I have no doubt that I would'nt be where I am. While other kids were getting in trouble, you kept tabs and made sure I was never part it. You literally would carry me home on your shoulder if you thought I should'nt be somewhere. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate that.

If I was sad we ate cookies. I cried and you never made fun of me for it. I am blessed to have been blessed with you. You put up with my tantrums. Goodness I was a brat at times, and you brushed it off. Nothing effected our friendship. 

I will never forget the time you sat with me sleeping on the swinging bench in my yard, and refused to move because you'd wake me up. You are beautiful. And I know that you sent me my husband, because blessings come from blessings. Thank you for being in my life, making memories with me, keeping me safe, even when you drove me crazy, I could'nt have asked for a better friend.

I love you Nick. Una due tu shum. 
Teze I still can't believe its Seven Years January 30, 2016
My Nicnic today it will be seven years since you left.CryCryCryCryCryCryCryMy heart still broken I still feel like I am in a nightmare waiting to wake so I can say it's just a dream; because I still feel you here! I still have not accepted you leaving...I love you so much it hurts the very thought of you not being here. I maybe in denial but I still feel you here. Theres not moments or days that I don't feel you here, sometimes I feel you will knock on the door & call to me "Teze I need to talk to you" or when you come with mommy & I jump to smack your neck or when Mikey bothers you; " you call Teze please tell him to stop"! I will never accept you gone I still feel you here!

Teze loves you so much!

Mommy Without you I can not be December 14, 2015

My Booboo,

I want you to know that this is so damn hard. I am tired my love. I sometimes wish that it will end. It is so much, the pain has cut too deep and I dont see how it will ever go away in this lifetime. The days have become years, the years have become forever. All I do know is that I NEED YOU HERE WITH ME. I need to smell you, I need to hear you, I need to see you and I need to hold you. I need to hear you call my name. I just need to hear your breath. I need to feel you and I just need to touch your face. I need to tell you face to face how much you mean to me. I dont think I can write it. I dont know that there are words that can express it. I just know that If we were face to face you would see it through my eyes. I know you would know because we  are one.

I miss your voice and yet I am scared to listen to it. I used to call your cell phone but now I fear hearing it because I fear it will make me see that you are not here with me. I want to so badly go into your room and lay on your bed and smell your clothes but I am scared that too, will make me see that you are not here with me. So, I dont, to do so is to say good bye. I will never say goodbye. 

So, I rely on you to move heaven to be with me. I NEED YOU more than I need AIR. I need you around me always. I need you to always talk to me, to guide me and hold me. I need to smell you and I need you to sleep with me every night. I am soo needy and you will always be my need. I know that I ask you for soo much my love, I try not to because I truly do want you to enjoy the peace and love of heaven. I just cant do this without you, so, for now, just hold me and carry me through this. I promise when I come home I will make it up to you.

My Soul, Serenity and Sanity, my 4 Ever love, Mommy will always be proud of you and love you.
In the meantime, Merry Christmas In heaven. Dont Forget Xmas Here as well. Hope you like the Snow Man. haha!~

Teze Happy Thanksgiving Nicnic 11/26/2015 November 26, 2015
Nicnic Happy Thanksgiving I miss you so much, days or seconds dont go by without you in thought.Innocent many times I come across seeing someone that walks like you even looks like you I tend to follow and its not you. I come to question was it you, did I dream it or was my eyes playing tricks. Either way I know its you and I feel you are telling me near by. there are times I just want to hug the person I follow that looks like you just to feel your hug because I feel you working through someone else to let me know you see me and your looking out for me; Do I dare to hug the next person, let me know?Cry Nicnic years has passed and I still believe I will wake up from this bad dream because I dont feel you gone I feel you here with us. A week before my 1st back surgery I dreamnt of you holding my hand & which I believe it was God was removing my stitches from my knee and I felt your hands on mine & Gods hands on my knee. Tell God thank you for being there for me & thank you Nicnic for being there too. I dreamnt during the knee surgery Ajdar holding as a baby that when I woke up I was mad wanted to still be in that dream & mommy & Lisa pick me up. I miss you & love you so much that the pain never goes away where my eyes, arms & lips dont get to kiss, hug & see you.CryCryCry
I want you to have a great Thanksgivving with everyone Harry Farije Bute even my little girl Xhenet..let my daughter know I love her sooo much & watch out for her Nicnic I never got to hold her in my armsCry!! I love you all and miss you so terribly but one day we will sit at a thanksgiving dinner table together again I will cook.

To the friends and family of Nic Nic,
My God ease your pain... especially Mom.  I will remember you in my everyday prayers, as I can hear and feel your pain.  I don't know you but wonder if anyone really knows what you are going through every day.  Nic looks like the kind of kid that would want his mom to live her life to the fullest.  God has blessed you with another child - cherish her, teach her the love that you have experienced with Nic and give her the love that his existence signified to so many.   Nic would have wanted you to only cry in happiness... and live you life... not in grief but just in thankfulness that you and he had experienced each other in this lifetime.  God bless you... I don't even know how i came across this page - but God knows. He has his ways.  Nic would have wanted you to be HAPPY. 
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