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Mommy Without you I can not be December 14, 2015
 



My Booboo,

I want you to know that this is so damn hard. I am tired my love. I sometimes wish that it will end. It is so much, the pain has cut too deep and I dont see how it will ever go away in this lifetime. The days have become years, the years have become forever. All I do know is that I NEED YOU HERE WITH ME. I need to smell you, I need to hear you, I need to see you and I need to hold you. I need to hear you call my name. I just need to hear your breath. I need to feel you and I just need to touch your face. I need to tell you face to face how much you mean to me. I dont think I can write it. I dont know that there are words that can express it. I just know that If we were face to face you would see it through my eyes. I know you would know because we  are one.

I miss your voice and yet I am scared to listen to it. I used to call your cell phone but now I fear hearing it because I fear it will make me see that you are not here with me. I want to so badly go into your room and lay on your bed and smell your clothes but I am scared that too, will make me see that you are not here with me. So, I dont, to do so is to say good bye. I will never say goodbye. 

So, I rely on you to move heaven to be with me. I NEED YOU more than I need AIR. I need you around me always. I need you to always talk to me, to guide me and hold me. I need to smell you and I need you to sleep with me every night. I am soo needy and you will always be my need. I know that I ask you for soo much my love, I try not to because I truly do want you to enjoy the peace and love of heaven. I just cant do this without you, so, for now, just hold me and carry me through this. I promise when I come home I will make it up to you.

My Soul, Serenity and Sanity, my 4 Ever love, Mommy will always be proud of you and love you.
In the meantime, Merry Christmas In heaven. Dont Forget Xmas Here as well. Hope you like the Snow Man. haha!~


Teze Happy Thanksgiving Nicnic 11/26/2015 November 26, 2015
 
Nicnic Happy Thanksgiving I miss you so much, days or seconds dont go by without you in thought.Innocent many times I come across seeing someone that walks like you even looks like you I tend to follow and its not you. I come to question was it you, did I dream it or was my eyes playing tricks. Either way I know its you and I feel you are telling me near by. there are times I just want to hug the person I follow that looks like you just to feel your hug because I feel you working through someone else to let me know you see me and your looking out for me; Do I dare to hug the next person, let me know?Cry Nicnic years has passed and I still believe I will wake up from this bad dream because I dont feel you gone I feel you here with us. A week before my 1st back surgery I dreamnt of you holding my hand & which I believe it was God was removing my stitches from my knee and I felt your hands on mine & Gods hands on my knee. Tell God thank you for being there for me & thank you Nicnic for being there too. I dreamnt during the knee surgery Ajdar holding as a baby that when I woke up I was mad wanted to still be in that dream & mommy & Lisa pick me up. I miss you & love you so much that the pain never goes away where my eyes, arms & lips dont get to kiss, hug & see you.CryCryCry
I want you to have a great Thanksgivving with everyone Harry Farije Bute even my little girl Xhenet..let my daughter know I love her sooo much & watch out for her Nicnic I never got to hold her in my armsCry!! I love you all and miss you so terribly but one day we will sit at a thanksgiving dinner table together again I will cook.

I LOVE YOU NICNIC FOR ETERNITY HUGS & KISSES!
WOW DIDN'T KNOW YOU... BUT I KNOW YOU ARE LOVED August 10, 2015
 
To the friends and family of Nic Nic,
My God ease your pain... especially Mom.  I will remember you in my everyday prayers, as I can hear and feel your pain.  I don't know you but wonder if anyone really knows what you are going through every day.  Nic looks like the kind of kid that would want his mom to live her life to the fullest.  God has blessed you with another child - cherish her, teach her the love that you have experienced with Nic and give her the love that his existence signified to so many.   Nic would have wanted you to only cry in happiness... and live you life... not in grief but just in thankfulness that you and he had experienced each other in this lifetime.  God bless you... I don't even know how i came across this page - but God knows. He has his ways.  Nic would have wanted you to be HAPPY. 
teze NICNIC HAPPY 23rd BIRTHDAY April 20, 2015
 
NICNIC HAPPY 23rd BIRTHDAY MAY YOUR PARTY BE THE BIGGEST HEAVEN HAS EVER SEEN. I WISH YOU WERE HERE WITH US ESPECIALLY WITH MOMMY, DADDY, MIKEY & BINACry. I MISS YOUR EYES, YOUR LAUGH, YOUR QUIRKINESS; I MISS YOUR WALK THOSE HANDS THAT LOOK LIKE A SLEDGE HAMMER. I MISS WHEN YOU TELL YOUR STORIES, I MISS YOUR VOICE AND IF THERE WAS A ROAD THAT I CAN COME AND SEE YOU I WOULD TAKE IT. ONE THING YOUR RIGHT ABOUT NICNIC AND THATS THE THE TATTOO YOU HAVE ON YOUR CHEST "LOVE IS PAIN"CryCry. I MISS WHEN YOU MOONED ME USUALLY HALF A MOON, MIKEY FULL BUTT LMAS, I FIND IT AMUSING HOW MIKEY HAS SOME OF YOUR TRAITS. NICNIC NO ONE CAN BE YOU, YOU HAD A WAY WHEN YOU WALKED IN FOR SOME REASON THE ROOM LIGHTS UP, YOU HAVE HAD THIS SINCE YOU WERE A BABY. YOU MANAGED TO STEAL MY HEART AND SOUL AS IF YOU WERE MY SON INSTEAD OF MY SISTER'S. I WOULD TELL YOUR MOM; "I LOVE HIM LIKE I GAVE BIRTH TO HIM". NICNIC I LOVE YOU NO DIFFERENT THAN I LOVE AJDAR, I MISS YOU SO MUCH. THERE ARE DAYS THAT I FEEL YOUR STILL HERE AND REALITY HITS FOR IT TOBREAK MY HEART AGAIN.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICNIC MAY YOU HAVE A BLAST WITH HARRY, FARIJE, BUTE, MARRYANNE, MY LITTLE GIRL XHENET AND ALL THOSE I FORGOT TO MENTION.

I LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH...TEZE!
Mommy Happy 23rd Birthday~ April 20, 2015
 
Happy Birthday My Love

23 Years Ago April 21, 1992, on a Tuesday afternoon at 5:14pm My Life, My World and My First Baby ( My soul ) was born. My booboo, I hope that you know that because of you I am who I am... You made me a mom. You showed me what true unconditional love was. You showed me that life was a wonder and a journey. You showed me how to smile & laugh and truly feel it. You showed me responsibility. You showed me how to endure & fight through all of life's obstacles. MOST IMPORTANTLY, YOU SHOWED ME THAT LIFE HAS NO END AND THAT LOVE IS THE ONLY THING THAT LASTS FOREVER.

You & Jesus are the sole reason why I can persevere and breathe through this thing called life. When I think about your eyes, your voice and all of our memories... I embrace my dream that one day soon I will be with you face to face, flesh to flesh, heart to heart, this time forever.

TOMORROW AT 5:14PM, I WILL WISH YOU A HAPPY 23RD BIRTHDAY...I WILL THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME AS YOU DO. I WILL TELL YOU HOW PROUD I AM OF YOU AND I WILL CALL OUT YOUR NAME AND ASK THAT YOU COME AND HOLD ME, KISS ME, CAUSE MY LOVE I NEED YOU HERE WITH ME EVERY WAKING MOMENT.

PLEASE DONT GROW WITHOUT ME. FREEZE TIME MY LOVE DONT WANT TO MISS A THING~


Mommy God Blessed Me with You February 8, 2015
 

Booboo,

I dedicate this song to you because God Blessed Me With You!

There are no words that can truly describe my love for you and How I feel....

For Now, I hope you truly know... Without you I can't be~

Your Best Friend, Your Mama Dukes,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJm51jsRoo0&list=RDdJm51jsRoo0#t=4

 

 

Mommy Missing you~ January 29, 2015
 
NicNic,

Today my entire being was out of sorts. I was angry, tight, short of breath, so out of my sorts... I couldnt make sense of much... then I looked down at the computer time and saw the date... and it came crashing down on me....... Today I am angry.. I am truly angry! I am so angry I want to scream.. Why cant I just hold you for a few moments?

Flashbacks today.. mostly of you when you were my little baby... It came to me as though you were laying on my bed in the sweat suit I put on you with your Nike Sneakers.. I saw you so clearly in my mind today... At the same time the wrenching pain in my soul occured.  I miss you soooo damn much... How much more? My love, I dont know if you truly know that I can not do this life if I do not feel you around me. I NEED to know you are always with me. Day one again...

Nicnic, I dont know if you know how long its really been for me. It feels like an eternity since that day..... I dont know if there are words to describe how much I miss you.....

Leave it up to your baby sis to know....

I need you with me always... PLEASE~
Send me some flowers...

I love you with every molecule in my body. YOu are my life and 4 Ever Love.
Mommy MY Soul is with you at Christmas December 25, 2014
 
Merry Christmas My Love.

I dont know a moment of my life that I did not have you by my side, even when you were'nt born.. You were still there. I dont know a moment that you have ever left me. I dont want to know that moment. MY LOVE, always stay with me, because without you I cant do this life.

Today I asked for something and you delivered... When you said, " When you had me, God blessed you, but god blessed me with you Mom" you didnt know that soon after that you would be leaving me in this world... but you also didnt know that you would carry me with those words.

Thank you for being my son, for making me a mom, for making me who I am. But most importantly, thank you for not giving up on your promise to me that you will always be with me. Thank you for answering me and never letting me down. I know I make you work really hard... I am sorry but as you know I am needy and you are the only one that can fill the need. I ache my boo... and you will always be the one that I ache for. I am not sure what it takes to do what you do... what I can promise you with my soul is that when I come home, I will make it up to you for the balance of eternity. For now, please stay with me.... hold my hand and my heart until then.

I dont know what I have done to deserve you, your love, your friendship and your loyalty. Whatever it was I am greatful to God for you... MY Forever love... YOU ARE ME, I AM YOU~ always as ONE.

Till that beautiful day that I meet you at the gate of LOVE know that you will forever be my love, my life, my everything. Because of you I am...

Teze Happy Thanksgiving November 26, 2014
 
                                  Nicnic Happy Thanksgiving kiddo, It hurts so much that time goes by and I dont get to hug, kiss, or hear you voice I love you so much Cry. I always hear I have to be strong, but I have to tell you Nicnic I am not as strong as I appear. Tears on my pillow, on my shirt or robe are silent cries that I scream into the night that no one hears. I look to GOD to get a glims of you and sometimes I do but not as often as I would like.

(Nicnic please kiss my baby girl Xhenet she has been coming to thought alot this year,
let her know I am sorry I was not able to hear her first cry, or see her face but
I love her so muchCryCry. I felt you Xhenet last week go through my body, my soul was shaking, I am sorry I never had the chance to hold and kiss your face mommy loves youCryCryCry!)

Nicnic please ask GOD to keep everyone safe & Healthy especially mommy, I need her here for Mikey & Angelina.

So Nicnic Happy thanksgiving bud, kiss Xhenet, Harry, Farije & Bute for me and most of all I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU SO MUCH!!
Teze HAPPY 22nd BIRTHDAY NICNIC APRIL 21, 2014 April 21, 2014
 
HAPPY 22ND BIRTHDAY NICNIC, I WISH YOU WERE HERE SO I CAN HUG YOU AND NOT LET YOU GO!Cry IN MANY WAYS YOU HAVE BEEN AN ANCHOR TO US AND I ALWAYS SAID TO YOUR MOM THAT THERE IS SOMETHING SPECIAL ABOUT YOU SINCE YOU WERE A BABY. YOU HAVE THIS ORA OR HALLO THAT IS AROUND YOU. I ALSO SAID TO YOUR MOM THAT YOU ARE MY SON FROM ANOTHER MOTHER AND YOU ALWAYS WILL BE, IT FELT AS IF I GAVE BIRTH TO YOU.
I MISS TO HEAR YOUR LAUGH, SEE YOU SMILE, FEEL YOUR HUGS AND LOOK INTO THOSE EYES.
SO YOU HAVE A GREAT BIRTHDAY AND SHOW EVERYONE WHAT A BIRTHDAY PARTY IS LIKE; I BET ALOT OF FIRE WORKS ARE GOING TO BE THROWN.

HAPPY 22ND BIRTHDAY BUD LOVE YOU AND ACHE FOR YOU...TEZE!
Total Memories: 247
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