Nicholas Marty Nespolini

Hey Love, I have been very confused and lost.. I dont know where to begin because there is just so much hurt. The pain is so thick that I cant break through it. I look for you everywhere I go, I need to talk and I cant find you.. there is so much I need to say to you, there is so much inside.. I dont know where to go to find you. You know how I depended on you for this. You always managed to find the answers for me, My Love, even when you were a baby with little answers to give.. you somehow gave me all my answers and with that, my strength... I dont have strength now my love. I am holding on by a thread.

Every waking moment you are in my thoughts. Every waking moment the thought of you alone tears me into shredds inside. Every waking moment, I want to scream, I am plagued with the thoughts of you alone and crying, hurting or calling for me.... I hope you were'nt.. I really hope that you did not have any pain or sadness... Every waking moment I pray to be with you again soon.,. This life, these thoughts has plagued me.... there is no cure for this plague in this lifetime... I just hope and pray my love, that mine as yours can be short... almost 4 months without you and it is a lifetime, eternity, forever.. forever too long.. PLEASE be here with me now and until its my time.. Please do not go any where, I really need you by my side.. I cant do this without you near me. 

 

MY love, many say that time will heal these wounds. That I will learn to accept your passing. I dont know how this can be possible my love. I am dead without you. How can I begin to feel alive when my soul died the day you did. I will never learn to live without you.. I will never accept life without you.. I will never be alive in this lifetime..I am and will remain to be dead until you are in my arms again.

I will be happy the day I see you again, the day that you will be there waiting for me.. The day that I get to hold you in my arms again.. the day I get to see your beautiful eyes staring at mine. The day that I get to see your beautiful smile, the day that I can smell you, kiss your face, your eyes, your neck and forehead.. the day i can feel your hand holding mine, the day I can hear your voice penetrate my ears and fill it with the music of love that i always felt and heard with you in my life, the day that I hear you say Mom, you are me and I am you, the day I hear you say, Mom I love you... that will be the day that my soul will begin to live and rejoice again..

Until then my love I am alive with no will or soul, therefore, I am dead...

 

 

hey nicnic
i was with your mom today and we was hanging out. We went to church and then back to your house. She showed me pictures that she took of just nothing and we was just pointing out where you was in the picture. Then as she was outside with your father and i was inside with mickey i took a picture of the t.v as it was on and we saw your facing the cross with a lady with black long hair. Then i took another one of your guitar and i saw you. if i could send the pictures i would of to your my email so that everyone could know that your still alive some how. And guess what? im going to be tuna's god daughter =)

As I sit here w the ignorant and closeminded views that men dont cry,
in hopes to disguise this feeling i have inside
I keep this idea closed deep w/in my mind.
My eyes.......... then become pregnant w sorrow,
Short thereafter give birth to tears that run down my face.

In turn I reside submerged 
beneath a puddle of pain and heartache.
Thus I am left with nothing more then memories of your life,
knowing...
deep down behind this blinding optimisim where I try so hard to conceal my anger,
that I will never see your face again
I will never hear your voice again,
I will never hear your laugh again,
I will never know another Nicholas Nespolini again.

You.....
taken at the age of 16.
my mind....
filled with disgust,
now oblivious to everything else relevant,
formulates only
the question of why?
why give life to a flower but never giv it the chance to fully blossom.
why detatch his soul from body and fill my family with sorrow.

This.....
a clear cut depiction of how life can be so unfair.
What is not so clear tho is why this writing has to be about u.

I dont understand....
Why your life had to b takin and not mine.
What makes me so lucky
when im sure ive done more bad then you.
No matter how intelligent I think I am
this is one problem i doubt I will ever understand.

Upon discovering what had happend,
i became hostage to the horrors of depression.
Folding under peer pressure
I collapsed and was trapped under the influence.
My new feeling on animosity towards the world
I remained influnced to remain...under the influence.
Becoming drunken with misbelief among every sip,
high with distress among every inhilation of smoke.....
Eventually stumbling along
I was able to catch myself with the pleasant memories of ur being.

But still,
even after recovering from the intoxication of that day's news,
I was left with an eternal hangover of sorrow.

U did nothing wrong,
fighting for others
I now fight for U.
For ur memory i fight
through the soundwaves that roll off my tongue and exit of my mouth,
that when...
hittin the air
have the ability to formulate one of the most beautiful stories ever heard.
A story filled with memories of ur life that I hold deep within my heart.

Although u r gone,
as long as I am here
ur memory will remain
because for u, I will continue to fight.

Hearing those awful words that you were gone
are now pierced forever within my eardrums..

repititiously running thru my mind
And,
no matter how hard I try to block out the noise,
I cannot escape the new soundtrack that,
among your death 
I am presented.

Everyday I look up and see only clouds in the sky,
wishing that 1 day those clouds would transform into images of you.
And as hard as I try the only things I see wen I tilt my head adjascent to the ground
is objects that appear as nothing more significant then the cotton balls I use to wash my face with.
Realizing the only time i will ever see u again is wen i close my eyes,
and thnk bk on the memories we used to share.

Jan. 30, 2009.
A day that has crawled beneath the cerebrospinal fluid that is so to protect my brain,
making it incapable of diminishing at all this memory that now haunts me.
fighting thru my mind,
descending throughout my esophagus,
digesting itself within my body,
spreading like cancer cells,
resultin in a pain that can't even be extinguished by kemotherapy.
In the end ultimately managing to consume all four chambers that make up my heart.

I become overwhelmed wit the feeling that ive been wounded by a knife of hoplessness
that once infiltrates the epidermis of my body
disperses itself into the sorrow that now poisons my bloodstream,
thus resulting in no hope for tomorrow.

This,
a memory that unfortunately I cannot pass thru my digestive track,
is therefore going to be forever forged deep within the depths of my being.

I,
looking myself in the eye,
become too consumed by this horrible feeling inside,
violently tear from beneath the depths of my chest cavity........
my heart.

Then,
Drowning it in a pool of inexplicable misery,
hanging it from a rope of never-ending grievances,
and as if these words aren't proof enough....
I leave it there.
Leave it to swing from a tree of infinite sorrow,
So that everyone who walks by
could then look at the organ that so gives me life,
now suspended in the air,
and truly see,
how my heart is filled with memories of u.

Without u,
it seems as if my heart fails to beat,
leaving itself meaningless within the boundaries of my torso.

So There I stood.
Heartless and slouched with my head down,
Thnking of you....

It was bc I was thnkin of you
that...
I managed to gain enough courage
to take this thing bounded by the rope,
place it back in my chest,
and sew my wounds wit a needle of my love for you.

That tragic day has since transformed into a holocaust of thoughts w/in my mind,
causing it too explode within my head,
releasing a neverending barage of images of u lying in ur coffin.
These thoughts then pour out of my dismantled mind,
managing to occupy every inch of this body i am trapped in.
The anguish,
multiplying 100 times a second,
immobilizing my limbs,
blurring my senses and incapacitating myself to the point where I am sensless,
but my love for you is so strong that I still manage to feel every bit of the pain from yday of our passing while remaining......
senseless.

All i am left to do is ask God for help
but realize that there is no savior for this emptiness I am feeling inside.
No matter how much faith I allow myself to obtain
never will this feeling of despair b extracted from my body.

So...
Eternily I will be blessed with the memories of your life
and at the same time
I will forever be consumed by the lonliness of mine...
without you.

And now.......
because of u,
I can deflect this misconception idea that men dont cry from the crevises of my once ignorant mind,
helping me see things more clearly then ever,

I finally realize,
that.....
men
do
cry.

And everyday, I will cry for you.

So many laughs
So many tears shed
So many memories
The thought of your love
Or smile or laugh
Makes me cry everytime
Just knowing
That I will never hear or see them again
It makes me cry all the time
No more laughs
Many more tears
No one to dry those tears up
No more memories
No more happy endings
Without you
Nic Nic
I will always miss you
And I will never forget you

Until that day we will all be together!!!!!!!

Hey Nicnic. Sorry I haven't wrote in a while. I still come to your page almost everyday. I just sit here in disbelief. I don't want to believe it :( It gets me sad and upset every time. I was thinking about how James use to go over your house and sleep over. Remember that time he slept over and ended up calling my mother because he was scared, haha. He said he always had fun with you and you would show him "funny" stuff on the computer lol, he got a kick out of that! You were always silly like that. Nick, whenever I go by Tneck all I think about is you. I use to think my youth and everything I did there, the good times I had. Now I could care less about that, because I think about you, and your youth and how it was taken away, you had so much left to do here on earth. Though you're not here in body I know you are here in spirit. Love you always. Odessa

I was driving the other day and saw a truck with the Nespofoundation on it.  I decided to look at the website. I am sitting here in tears looking at this site and reading how much this young boy is loved. I have a 17 year old son as well and i couldnt imagine losing him.  The pain you, your family and his friends have is so incredibly strong my heart bleeds for you all and my prayers are with you all. I am truly amazed at what love this site has shown me for your son.  May GOD be with you all.  This is no conseltation but GOD only take the good ones to help him.  Your son is watching over you all and you may have lost him in body but his love, spirit and memories will be with you all for a lifetime!!

My love, I am losing the grip.. I try so hard to find a way to get to you... I dont know my love, Where I will find you... If I did, I would be there in a second.... I miss you so much, I am lost without you.. I do not know what to do.... I can't do this for too too long my love, I need your eyes in my life, I need my soul.. You were and remain to be my WILL... I dont have one now my love, the day I lost you, I lost it.

My Love you know that the first song on this site, was always my song to you, When you were a baby I sang it to you, the other song was (you lite up my life) I couldnt find it to put it on here for you..

I also dedicate #3 song... because I am addicted to you my love, you are the reason why I am....

song # 4, Is also for you my love, I can not express in words the appreciation I have for your love... Thank you soooooooooooooo Much My love, for your unconditional love for me... You loved me like no other... and I know my love I will NEVER have that again... You loved me as equally as I love you, it is immeasurable and unconditional... You are the reason why I breathe, But My love, Please not for too long...

I need to be here just long enough to take of Mikey, to make sure he is going to be a good man, a strong person, a man with integrity and pride... and then my love.... I just want to be with you forever... YOu all that I need today and forever... you are the fuel that my soul needs to be happy... What is happiness now my love, I dont know.. I remain in this empty world, this world filled with sadness... this world my love is my soul.... It is truly empty, dead..... I pray everyday that one day when Its my time, you will be there waiting for me..... I need you now and the hereafter... believing that one soon day I am going to see you again is what keeps me going in this empty shell that I am left with....

You know my love, I love you amd Mikey the Same. You also know that he is the lite of my life... but you were the one who stole my soul... I wish there was a spare one around, so I can fill myself with it, so I can be whole for Mikey... I am trying my love, he needs it and deserves it too.. Do you remember how I never did anything for you without doing for him too, or buying him something without buying you. Neither of you knew any different love and affection from me. The problem now my love is the air is gone, the oxygen to thick, the pain to unbearable. But, I will try to continue to make it right for our other half until he is a fine man like you... Then I will give up and not fight this losing battle anymore... I will surrender to this life and look forward to seeing you there waiting to hold me in your arms...

I dont know if anyone can understand the immense love I have for you... I dont know if God really knew how deep it ran either, I do hope he sees it now... I hope he also sees and feels the love I have for Mikey. I promised God and Mother that I will do all that they ask of me.. I will, even if it means walking into a burning building..... I visit the Sisters my love everyday. I will continue to do so. I will help them in anyway I can also, because they are Mothers servants and provide love to all that are dying and ill and do not ask even when they are in need ( reminds me of you- you never even asked for sneakers) I will try to provide them with their needs... No selfish vision... Just do it and keep it moving... I know the drill...

I will always leave the lite on for you my love while I am here, so that you can find your way home to me... so I can find my way home to you....

I love you sooo much, I miss you even more..

 

I pray to you my Lord that you measure me for what I have done and not for the mistakes I have made...I pray that you come to me and guide me to do Good, to provide Love and support to those in need... I took the Sisters as a sign and I have followed... I will continue to do so... Please just guide me, I will do the rest... Mother, I pray that you will give me the strength to be a good mother to mikey, help me help him.. I pray that you do not measure me for my faults but for my good deeds... I will try to provide assistance to those that you place in my path... Please help me make the NESPO Foundation strong so that through his love, our Love, we can help many who are in need. Please see my intentions as pure and Please do not measure me for my Love for my son.. I am out of control with it.. I know you love him too..

Thank you

 

hey nic nic, I am remembering the mothers day that you gave me beanie gift for me on mommys day. You were a little guy and you came over with mommy as usual mommy bought everyone flowers on mommys day and she showed me what you bought her and I asked you where is my mommys gift you felt so sad you went to the car and gave me the beanie rabbit I dont know if it was yours or not but you as a little guy really needed to show me that you did not forget...It really made me feel guilty that I made you feel sad. Another mothers came again and you were a little older and this time you had a beanie gift in your hand I believe its a lamb but not sure till this day but the first thing you said to me I did not forget you. Bud I still have those beanie gifts and I look at them everyday since you gave them to me and I always asked myself how is it a little boy can feel sad if someone is feeling sad and for him to to take that sadness away. I use to keep them hanging on my rear view mirror of my car until I got a new car now the beanies sit in my room near mother mary holding jesus. Nic nic today please give mommy some of your hugs and kisses because she is going to need you today so much please hold her hand, kiss her face and hug her through the day. Bring mommy some light to her soul,serenity and sanity You will always be your mothers Soul, Serenity & Sanity then, now and for eternity but for today make it known yo are there holding her hand, kissing her and hugging her she needs you to be there okay bud

 

Nic nic from the second I laid eyes on you stole my heart and soul and the thought of you crying use to rip me inside I always felt as if I gave birth to you until this day I still feel that way. I always love you the way I love Ajdar the feeling is at the core of my being the love that aches through my soul and the pain that rips through my heart. You will always be then now and always my little boy. When Michael started to get older and I saw he would bother you I would yell at Micheal and you would get a kick out of it, you found it funny that I would do that and you would tell Micheal "I will tell Teze on you" and Micheal would go through his little screaming and yelling.

 

Micheal misses you so much. I was over your house yesterday and I am so use to always calling out your name and I kept calling Micheal nic nic and he finally turned around and said to me stop calling me nic nic. Its something I just cannot stop doing is calling out your name every time I am over your house. Micheal saw Pork chop yesterday and asked him if he was coming over with his friends Pork chop told him later he had baseball to go to then Micheal said ok.

 

Daddy put your poster up on my car and it came out beautiful and as daddy was putting the poster on I was watching him closely and I tell you Nic he is so lost without you here I can see it in his eyes and how hard he tries to keep himself busy the emptiness in his eyes show how much he needs his better half and that is you  hold daddy kiss daddy and keep an eye on him as well he really needs to feel you around.

 

As for me visit me every now and then I just need to hug you kiss you and tickle you like I always did and smack the back of your head..Hahaha I love doing that to you I would catching just as you walking away from me and smack the back of your head and you would turn around and say what the F_ _ _....I would laugh so hard just the look on your face and you would laugh too...I miss that nic I miss that so much so every now and then show up so I can just feel you even if its a little bit.

I LOVE YOU AND AJDAR so DAMN MUCH I never liked anyone making you boys cry I was the only who was allowed to that.

Hey My Love,

Tomorrow is mothers day. 

My love , I dont want to wake up to it without you near me. How do I go through this day, the day you blessed me,, without you. You see my love, as you already know, You made me who I am today., The day you were born is the day that I no longer lived and breathed for me.. It was always for you, with you..we slept together, we ate together, we shopped together, we bathed together, we laughed together, we cried together, we played together, we hugged, we loved and we became as one...  You are the oxygen that I needed to breathe and live.. Now its gone... I struggle my love...

I often think about what I am supposed to do with this empty body of mine, what am I  to do without my soul, my will, my life (you).  I dont understand what is to come of me without you, because I can't see that I can be anything.. I think you knew but not the depth of how I needed you in my life.. I always told you that.. because it is true.. I am not whole, I am nothing without you... I am a walking dead person.. because that is truly how I feel inside... I am empty without you.. you were and remain to be the life that once lived in me...

 

I reflect back at he numerous mothers days, you never forgot to wish me a Happy Mothers day, You never failed to give me my love, a gift.. I remember a couple of years ago, you wanted to earn your own money because you wanted to buy me a gift, you said to me, I need to give you my love through my own hard work ,, because Mom, you always work hard to give me everything... and you did.. you got me the kissing teddybears, flowers and a card... I also remember the way you always came to me at midnight the morning of mothers day, and gently kissed my face, sometimes I would be sleeping and awake to it, with a huge smile on my face... It is this My love, that I cant let go of, It is the smile that my heart felt every waking moment that I had you in my life, the tears of joy my soul felt just looking into your eyes.. the sensation of being alive just being with you...

I always needed you around so I can sleep, I needed you around so I can breathe, I needed you around so I can feel alive, I needed you my love for every aspect of my being... I need you now, I will always need you... Without you, I am not me.....

I cant think, I cant sleep, I cant rest.. I am so lost within myself.. I need to have you with me.. I need to be at peace with you in my arms forever... I remember joking with you and telling you.. Just grow and go... you used to say to me , Mom when I grow up you are going to cry when I go off to college.. I would then say to you, I am gonna roll up a fat joint and smoke it.. and we would laugh... then of course, I would tell you, you cant leave me... NEVER>>> NEVER,, and then you would laugh and say I know Mom... I cant even go to someone's house to sleep for a night.. thats how I know you aint gonna let me go to dorm at a college... you were right...

 Do you remember when you said you wanted to go to Iraq... How fast did you change your mind... haha.. I told you lets do it.. I will be right there with you... You started to laugh and said mom you are crazy... you would really come too... I told you I would.. Just like I told you that ..................you know the rest... I said it to you all the time... I mean it now, as I meant it then.. you know when I say something, I will live by my words... I am and I will.... Please remember!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Someone told me yesterday that she sustained the loss of her 14 year old son. She said, After several months she came to terms with it and that life goes on. In addition to that, she said, that I need to accept the loss and find a way to move on... I do not know how to.. I am unable to move on, you see, You are my life, my best friend, my confidant, my soul, my serenity, my sanity, the light of my soul, the blood that beat through my heart, the flesh of my flesh...I am lost my love... the Boy who stole my soul, who made me a mom, who made me who I am is not here to shed the light on my dark days... Where do I Go to find my first baby boy... Just tell me.. I will be there in a second...I love you sooo much, I miss you.... more than I can describe..

In the meantime My love, I will give Mikey the love that he deserves, he is my angel, my life too...He misses you soooo much tooo .. he has been talking more about you lately,. he has been talking to you out loud lately too.. I know he is in a lot of pain. He searches for his play partner through other kids.. He seaches for the attention you gave him through some of your friends.. I wish I knew how to fill his void... I play with him, I talk to him as I always spoke to you... you know my way.. open, honest .. no holds barred.. when you seek, you shall find... haha..

he appreciates that from me, but he doesnt like when I put it out there, he is different in that way from you. he gets embarrassed... you and me never did... haha! we didnt care what others thought... But, I respect that in him... He is talking like you alot, using the words you used to use, he acts like you too... he is a little man, and I love him to death too.... the both of  you are my life.

I love you my love...

 

 

IIIIII LOOOOVVVVVEEEEE YOOOUUUU its 11:30 just thinking about you monkey you know the drill tonight please i need a good night sleep .. i brought baby and romeo over your house the other day and marty kicked there asses o man that was you i know it messing with me haha cuz you always made fun of little dogs and baby so u said what are they good for and u proved it lol marty beat them up and they did nothing it was really funny love you nic nic i got to go sell t shirts on saturday for your dad .. i love that man soo much i dont know why but i really do hes my favorite person in the whole world well help me sell those shirts so your dad can be happy i love you nicnic good night