Nicholas Marty Nespolini

To my Tuna Nic nic & Mikey and my brother in law Nicky that I love as a brother I love all of you. Your hearts ach my soul and my insides shake just the thought all of you are in so much pain and I am helpless and dont know how to change all this for you. I dont know how to take the feelings of emptiness, sorrow, & pain away. This Life brings us light and then puts us in darkness filled with so much pain that even LOVE cannot bare.

 

I would do anything to take all that pain away from all of you for my sister to bring her soul, serenity & sanity, Nicky his son, best friend and soul and Mikey his big brother, his guide his serenity and most of all Nic nic bring him back his life, love, passion, that he deserve to flourish.

I wish and pray that I can do this for all of you.

 

The pain inside me tares me apart and dont know what to do or say and most of the times I dont say anything because I know theres nothing I can say or do to change things.  I sit here everyday praying infront of Nic nic's pictures wondering what I can do to change things and if Nic nic can ask GOD if I can take Nic nic's place and I ask GOD why Nic nic and not me...There is no sun, rain or thunder that I dont look into the sky that I dont ask GOD why. Everyday I feel selfish and want Nic nic here maybe its wrong to say but I cannot help it because my Tuna, Nicky & Mikey need him here more.

 

I almost lost Ajdar and I got just a glimps and just the thought the pain is unbarable and uncontrolable that is why I always ask GOD please help me help my Tuna, Nicky & Mikey  

I love you Nic nic, Mikey, Nicky and my baby sister Tuna, and Ajdar you are the LOVE of my life you are the reason I wake up everyday.

 I ask GOD everyday Please help me help them through this time PLEASE!! I also ask you GOD please give me the strenght I need to proceed in helping them I am going to need it...AMEN

 

I LOVE YOU ALL AND NIC NIC I WILL SEE YOU SOON BUD YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY BOY IN THE MIRROR NOW, THEN & FOR ENTERNITY ITS AMAZING YOUR MOM HAS A RELATIONSHIP WITH AJDAR SINCE HE WAS LITTLE AND I HAVE IT WITH YOU...SO SEE YOU SOON HUGS AND KISSES..TEZE

MY Soul, My Love....

I closed my eyes the day you did too. I stopped living the day you did too.. but I am still here, WHY?.... The core of my stomach is in deep  constant pain, It feels like I was torn deep inside.. It will never heal. My heart is in constant strain, My Lungs hurt with every breath I take.. THe air is too thick now my love... It just doesnt flow !

I try to laugh and smile because it is not fair to anyone around me to feel my pain... It is not fair for Mikey, who has been dealt this card so young in life, it is not fair to Daddy who has lost his other half... you were his best friend, his buddy.. YOu made him a Dad.. you made him a hard worker and a successful man... It was you, because of his love for you...

He still kisses you goodnight everynight.....I try not to stare into his eyes, because I can see his pain.. He misses you soooo much and is lost without you too...I am hoping that he will become strong and will be able to move forward with this life with some hope and happiness..... I hope that you can come to him and show him what he is looking for so that he can stay strong.... I need you to do this for him... PLEASE MY LOVE..

Mikey needs you too.... Please help him so that he wont be so scared.... !!!Give him the inspiration he needs to become a fine man like you... Show him the way and always guide him down the right paths in life...

As for me, you know !!!!

 

The heart of my heart, the flesh of my flesh, the lite of my soul, the air that I breathe... I will love you forever and ever... Every moment is too long without you and I will pray every day that My Job will be done here soon. I will do whatever is necessary to finish my task here so that I can come home. Please ask God, to watch and observe so that he can bring me home soon...

Till we meet again...

 

May you have a happy birthday my love, may your eyes shine with light of happiness and your soul radiate with sunshine and love on your birthday and every day for eternity....

I'm sorry I haven't wrote anything here to you, Nicky, Tuna, or Mikey. I do light a candle for you, I hope you know that. I feel like I don't have the right words, I know that shouldn't matter. I don't know what to say, I get so angry and frustrated I start to think about what to write and push it away because it hurts. This shouldn't have happened, no one deserves this, esp. not Nicky, Tuna or Mikey and everyone that loves you. Nicky and Tuna were always good to me. Remember when they and you let me live behind your house that year. I think it was mainly you because I remember going over sometimes and asking where you were and Tuna would tell me you were with Nicky hanging out in the back, you loved that place, Thank You. I'm sorry I took it for that year and I'm sorry I left and we hardly spoke after. I felt like I did something wrong and like always I run away from things. I remember visiting you a couple of years ago and couldn't believe how big you got! I was looking up to you giving you a hug and a kiss and you smiled and hugged me; you were the one that use to look up to me when we hugged. Remember when you would ask me to play video games with you, you were always excited to show me something new, I remember trying to play the games, just to make you happy even if it was for a few, I never knew what I was doing lol. Not only did I gain a cousin but like a little brother, you and Mikey. I remember taking a trip with you and Tuna to get your pictures, you were so cute and happy! Remember when we went to the pool that summer, we had so much fun..

I was thinking around the holidays that I should go visit you and really stay in touch. Why does that happen? When you want something to happen or realize you should do something, it's taken away

I couldn't believe my eyes when Jessica sent me the message and told me what happened. I couldn't believe another person dying in my family. It seems like so much tragedy has happened in the family, why? A grandfather I was never able to meet, all of my uncles, now you. You were too young. A whole life ahead of you. I went out to a bar not too long ago, I was sitting there thinking about you, looking at all the young people and feeling upset and sad that you will never experience what they were experiencing. It isn't fair! I try to think that there is a reason, a good reason that God took you. I pray everynight and I can't help but to ask him why, and why can't we question him? 

I never heard anyone (parent) describe the love they have for their child the way your mother did.  I can't even describe it the way she did, her words were so powerful they always stayed in my head. She said watch, their every move will be yours, if they cry you'll wanna cry, if they make the slightest noise you'll wonder what's wrong, if they fall you'll whole body will feel it inside. That's one of the first things I thought about when I heard you were gone and I felt this pain in my chest for her.

NicNic, I will pray for you everyday until we meet again. Please know that I love you and will always think about you. I miss you.

hey nic nic  i read all the good memories that everyone writes to you and i can't help but cry because the world would never get to see how good of a person you are.   I cant even imagine how this is for your mother,father and mikeybut i pray that you comfort and stay with them and guide them through this. You know recently i been having dreams of you.  Its kind of blury but in one of them it was like new years and your mom mikey me my mom and my five hundren sisters were in my house celebrating and dancing.  im guessing i dreamt of it during new years because that was the last time i saw you.  Nic i wish there was like a time machine that i can go back in time so none of this would have happened and i can take the pain of you being gone away from everyone.  your love will live on through your foundation nic nic and i promise you that i will do anything possible to see that it does!

 I love you, My big brother.   I will always remember the times we played with eachother.. when we used to take baths together. I remember when you saved my life when I was drowning in the pool. I miss you soooooo much, I wish you could have been here with me when I got older so we can hang out like you promised,... stay by me forever and tell me when I am being bad so I could be good... I miss you and love you sooooooooooo much!  

My Soul,

The very moment I felt you inside of me, the very first time I heard your heart beating, I closed my eyes and listened to your heart beat with tears pouring down my face with this unbelievable feeling of love. This is when my soul split with you my love.... I knew from that moment that you would be all I needed in my life. I was not told yet,that you would be a boy, (I always wanted a girl) but, I knew you were a boy.. In fact, I was already buying blue stuff and was often told not to, because it was undetermined.. But I knew...

Oh, How crazy I would get when someone told me I was carrying "all girl"... Yeah, I looked Like a was carrying 2 girls... haha... But, I knew that you were a boy and I knew that I was going to be insanely in love with you because I had already begun without seeing you yet. I would feel an ache that ran deep within my soul just thinking about you... I remember all the times I ran to the hospital because i didnt feel you kick me.. I was crazy!!! The Nurse at Mercy hospital said to me once, "we will just reserve this bed for you, see you tomorrow" thats how many times I went there to make sure you were okay...I needed to hear your heart beat and see you, so I remember telling the doctors that I felt serious pain, even when it was very mild.. just so they could hook me up to the heart monitor and i could hear your heartbeating... each time, i would just close my eyes and cry...

My Love, 17 years ago on a tuesday afternoon, I fell even more insanely  and deeply in love with someone. I looked into the eyes of this beautiful person.. This person was you, my love . You came out with your eyes open looking around. You didnt make a sound. you were quiet, clean and beautiful... From that very moment...  every single breath i have taken, it was for you.. Every step I had taken in my life was for you.. It no longer mattered how I felt, or where I was , or even where I was going.. as long as I was with you... It didnt matter if layed on a bare floor to sleep so long as you layed with me... Nothing in life mattered but you...I persevered and overcame and conquered all obstacles in my way, with you in my heart, body and soul. It was you my love, that made me who I am... It was you who gave me the strength and the motivation I needed to go back to school, It was you who encouraged me to do anything I set my mind to... It was you, my love.. All I thought about was you.. I lay with you, laying on my chest near my heart for a very long time.. i slept with you every night for many years, I bathed with you, I played with you until crazy hours in the night.. sometimes until we both fell asleep on the floor... whatever you wanted, you got ! It was never much... you were so content with whatever you had...

My priority was to never see you cry, that could never happen.... You remember how many times I cried like a baby when I saw tears in your eyes... and it could have been because you couldnt pass a level on your game... I remember when we were playing crash bandicoot... I was passing all the levels and you werent... you started to cry.. I told you not to cry because it would make me cry... you said to me.. I dont understand mommy, you are passing all the levels... I looked at you.. and stared into your teary eyes and then my tears started, you said mommy, why are you crying... its not funny... you are hurting my feelings... I said to you, "Mommy hurts inside, my soul is your soul and i feel everything you feel.. and when you cry, my soul cries... I cant help it Nicnic..I just feel you"..... You said to me... "mommy, I dont want your soul to cry anymore, I will try not to cry.... and so you did" ... You really understood, and as you grew older, you would say to me.. " Mommy, I can feel your pain inside too... I know when you are said, or when something is wrong with you, I can feel it inside... you knew... you knew my love, because we were one.!

We will always be one....and I will pray for the day that we unite our soul.....

 I love you so much.....wishing you an early Happy Birthday.... Please be here on your birthdate... at the exact time we laid our eyes on eachother and give First and foremost DADDY a hug and kiss, then Mikey( make sure you let him feel you and tell him how much you love him)  and as usual I will wait to be last... you know why!!!!!!  

 

Hey My Love, I was out today taking care of a few things.. I heard you and you were right... your other brother didnt get to pay!! Haha!

I love you so much! I miss you.. Hey Bud, Mikey is getting a surprise tomorrow... Do you remember the surprise I had in my jacket for you when you were 6 years old.... Well, Mikey is getting one tooo. This time Jojo and John are getting it for him... Be here to share his joy tomorrow... He doesnt know yet....

I am hoping this will help him loosen up with the fear.,.. He is so scared my love... !

I love you and will be with you soooon hopefully as soon as I Nurture The Lil Nespo... make him into a great young man like you... You were one of a kind to me and to all that you came accross... Mikey will be the same... He is got your spirit and personality already...

Hope you are the same way in heaven... knock their socks off my love, with your awesome personality and gift of love... Just make sure you save the best for me....I want you to save the best part of you for me when It is my time.. I want you to be there waiting for me with your beautiful eyes looking at me and your smile radiating with sunshine and happiness for our reunion!

I long for it and hope for it my love...

Today, I gave a donation to an orphan org.. in your spirit... I know how much you loved doing this !

You are the most precious gift of my life... I love you !

Tuna,I don't have the words to take away your pain or to even comfort your heart,but just want to let you know you have a wonderful family who loves you and is here for you.As you know NicNic is a remarkable man,he is loved by many and adored by all,he is still and always will forever be in our hearts,his work is not done here,this is why he still comes by to make sure you finish what he started. And as long as you continue to do this he will still be with you always,he needs to make sure you do this right .Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies,a soul never dies it lives on,as we all know you and nic nic are one, your soul is not gone,it is only sleeping and it will wake up again. As long as you breathe,you are breathing for nicnic as well as mikey,he needs you now more than ever and nicnic knows this,he often comes by as you see to make sure mikey is taken care off. You have more strength than anyone i know,you just need to find it again, and it might take more than a day or month but you will, I have more faith now than i ever did before,Nic Nic walks along side you not in front or behind you, but along your side,he is going to help you raise mikey and help nicky,and he will be there to comfort you but you need to reach deep down in your body and find the soul that you once believed in, cause as long as your soul breathes so does his. Listen to your sister Ana she has alot of wisdom and loves you,we all do.

4.15.09 Nick I'm in dc and I was just in applebees and one of the songs on here came on and I felt I had to come on here and tell you what I was thinking all day... Nick the pain I've been feeling since you left is unmeasureable.. And I keep hope and wishin that this is a nightmare that I Just can't wake my self up from ; but I remembe when I was little everyone telling me that toy can feel pain IN your dreams and nightmares....nick I wish I could wake up from this but I can't none of is can. Nick I remember one of the nights I was crying for you last year my friend told me to " picture myself without you and if I likedit". Nick I pictured it and I said I can deal withyou being with other ppl because your happiness is more imortant than mine.. Nick never in a million years would I have pictured this... I never imagined mine, your mom dads mikeys scotts ashlees corderos and many others hearts aching and yearing to have you back. Nick out of everything u taught me... The thing I treasure the most is how you taught me how too see pain in someones eyes.. Nick I see it everywhere... Your mom,mikey,Scott,alex and even more so your dad.. Nick I dnt know how to help everyone.. I think there has too be a reason y u taught me how 2 reconize this pain but idk why 2 do... Nick I made a promise to you that I will watch out 4 mikey, I know he was u mr number one piroity in life and he still is... I'm going too keep all the promises I made to you.... Nick I dnt understand y you are the first person I fell in love with.. But your are and my live will forever grow.. Years from now I dnt know where I will be and I have no idea who I will be with but I know you will always be with me... You will always be the fire that burns inside me... Nick you Are my light and your will be forever glowing... Nick ever day I try toput the fact thy your gone in the back of my head but then when I think about it again I feel sick... Nick when I look at pictures of "ppl" who claim to love you and whn I do not see any hint of pain in there eyes it kills me.... Nick please please tell god to forgive me in advance because if they cross my path idk why I'd do...I'd go crazy on them! Nick I will love you always and forever... And please watch over everyone especially your mom dadand brother they need you so much right now... Nick and if it's not too much 2 ask of you please hold a spot for me in heaven because I'm waiting for the day I get too be with you again! Nick you will always be my tattoo head,my 21.. I LOVE YOU<|3 christine...

To my sister Tuna,

 

What I am going to say I know it will never change how you feel or what you think but please take to consideration and hear me out

 

Nic nic gave you the out most strength that any mother could ever feel and he is your soul, serenity and sanity then, now & for eternity and that being said, use that strength you know in the depth of your soul and fight for Nic nic and Mikey fight the fight be pissed take that strength Nic nic gave you and use it to make the whole world know that he did not die invain. Use the knowledge of law and your contacts that you have with judges make noise scream yell Nic nic is in you as you are in him.

 

When you took the picture the first time in the living room and Nic nic is sitting with his hands like in a prayer at the end of the couch its him saying I am here and he needs you the way you need him. Nic nic wants you to make sure that you take that strength and give it to Mikey and let him know the same feeling Nic nic received from you to be instilled in Mikey.

 

Tuna I love you and there are no words to express how I love my baby sister but I refuse to let you quit on Nic nic, Mikey Nicky. I need you after the foundation when its all put together to concetrate to get everyone and anyone to listen and make it right. Nic nic's strength is in you and that strenght needs to come out with fire in your soul and break every barrier out there for Nic nic & Mikey.  

 

Nic nic dont want you to quit and you know that, fight for Nic nic and Miikey.

 

 

A sister is someone who loves you from the heart,
No matter how much you argue you cannot be drawn apart.
She is a joy that cannot be taken away,
Once she enters your life, she is there to stay.

A friend who helps you through difficult times,
Her comforting words are worth much more than any sunshine 
Asister who fills your life with laughs and smile,
These memories last for many eternity miles.

When she is by your side, the world is filled with life,
When she is not around, your days are full empty grey sky 
A sister is a blessing, who fills your heart with love,
She flies with you in life with the beauty that GOD sent from above.

A best friend you can express your feelings,
She doesn’t let you get bored at family dwellings.
Whether you are having your ups or downs,
She always helps you with a smile and never let you frown.

With a sister like Tuna you cannot hold a grudge,
She is as sweet as chocolate and as smooth as fudge.
Having a sister like Tuna is to know her and I can always turn to her, my sister & best friend

I LOVE YOUI am not letting you quit just yet.

 

Your sister Ana