Nicholas Marty Nespolini

Today, like many, many days I sit and think about the day that I am going to lay down to this life and see you again, and like everything that involves you boyz, i become somewhat paranoid. I think to myself what if I dont see you? Oh My god, My Love... The only thing I don't do is just scream in front of everyone.. My insides get so tight that I could really burst into hysterical tears...But you know why I dont.... We were the same with it!

I first imagine how beautiful it would be to lay down to this life and see you waiting there with your smile, your smirk( your lips puckered upward), or your tongue hanging out of your mouth like Haha.. mom, in open arms... I imagine reaching out and holding  you & your hand...I Imagine that I will feel alive again..I reach deep inside myself (when I am thinking) searching for that life I had in me when you were here...and I can slightly feel that , so just imagine My LOVE how I alive I will feel again... .that is when I know forever will begin.. I will forever ask God to allow me to enjoy my kidz for eternity....

I often think, How can I go on in this life without a soul.. without a will.... the WILL is gone because My soul is gone...Although I know that you are in heaven, its still hard.. this is the part I fight with every day... this is where I feel like a hypocrite to God... I know you are with him... But I am not with you. I know he must be upset with me for thinking like this... and I am sorry. He should have known the depths of my love for you... I am sure he knows the pain I feel every day and night. Yet, I still feel like I am a hypocrite... can't help it... 

THE FIRST TIME I EVER SAW YOUR FACE... I lost the ability to seperate myself and you... we were always one in soul, in person and in spirit... we even talked alike, smiled the same way and  shared the same thoughts and feelings... our pain was the same toooooo....we didnt have to talk... we just looked at eachother and we just knew.!

Now Bud, I search everywhere to see you... just so I can look into your eyes so you can tell me what i need to hear to get by... I dont have to talk... you know... Remember... " I know what I know" We just knew... and I know if you were able to look into my eyes you would have the right words or even just allow me to look into yours,... I will get my answers... I ask you to help me because I am lost , like a little baby ... I am lost and in so much pain...No more strength, motivation, perseverence, passiveness, humbleness, joy, love, life, air, Its Gone.... because my soul is gone...

All I can do now is hope and pray that Mikey will grow like you, then, Not a moment later my love, I need to lay down to this life, I need to say goodbye to the pain, lack of Love , life, and Will... and go to a place where I wont feel this or see this life anymore... Its not for me anymore.....I will pray every day my Love that you will be there when I come there... I hope my love that it will be you that greets me with your beautiful eyes and smile.....

NicNic, what I have learned in this life is the pain that Mother faced when Jesus was crucified.. My love, I wish I never got to learn this... because this PAIN is not measurable, there are no words to describe it... I do not believe that I will ever forget the depths of this pain even after I am gone...This Pain I will forever remember...I just hope that I can find a place for it when I leave this life behind... I love you, I miss you and I will forever burn in pain until you are in my arms again....

 

Nic

I wake up today with tears in my eyes with my soul shaking uncontralable its ripping me apart. My memories of you I just get lost in them then when i cam back to reality I wont have any more memories of you in this life. I am so damn angry and so damn hateful towards humanity I dont trust them I rather trust a wild Lion before a human being ever again. No matter what I do drive, walk sit alone I am with you in your memories and I dont want to come back I just want to stay there with you especially that day when you told me about your tatoo on your chest I got just a glims of it because nena walked in the room that day and you did not want your dad or mom to know just yet I can rewind it in my head over and over its a shame we cant do that here on earth and rewind time.  

There are times at home I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and cant I will end up scaring nena and I dont want to do that to her so I scream in the bathroom with towel over my mouth or I shut the door and scream in my pillow. My heart is torn into trillions of pieces.

I  went and stood with Ajdar on his birthday and how his eyes fill with tears when speaks of you when he told me that you visit him three to four times a week and he sees you with a cut off T-shirt that is cut off around the arms and he sees your tatoo on your arm and you walk around in his house. When ajdar opened his b'day card he sees the picture of you and Ajdar that you both took together and Ajdar said the change in your face its like you grew overnight your face of a grown man in that picture and even more so in the picture where Ajdar, you Nic are hugging your mom its very noticable that you look more of a grown man in a 16 year old body. Ajdar said he spoke to you everyday that week before he left to go to europe and how Ajdar and you could Not wait to start the classes and Ajdar hurts over this that he never had that chance. Ajdar tries so hard to talk you without crying it but his voice trembles and he walked out of the car.  

 

This love for you has puntured a huge whole in my soul its like the universe ruptured through me and ripped my soul and left this huge gapping whole and nothing will put it together only you can if you can come back to us.

Nic your Soul & LOVE is Faithful, Loyal, Honest and Trustworthy and those that let you down GOD will have his Wrath as he always does and those that took you away from us they will see GODS WRATH.

Nic you can talk to me, visit me 24-O-7 anywher anytime.

 

Harry I heard you last night and I dont know why you just kept calling my name I have not heard your voice in years but what ever it is come back and tell PLEASE I miss you Harry I actually need you now more then ever you were my ROCK, and ANCHOR.

 

I love you Nic nic... See you soon                                      (7/11/2009)

 

hey nicnic. i go almost every day on this site and still cant believe that your gone. I have to hit myself to let myself know that its true. The last time i saw you was at the park and you was with your friend. My mom had stop you and you gave a look like a stranger was about to take you in the car. lol! . She asked you all these questions and stuff and then you ask who was that in the back seat and she said sabrina. you said are you serious, she got so big. I just laughed because i was shy to say hi( of course). Then you started to show of your tattoo on your arm. Then thats when my mom ask how old you were and you said your age. I giggle! Then you gave your phone number. I cant believe you didnt ask for your games back. I still have them !! I miss the fun times we had in the park with the water ballons and going to the beach and you coming to my house with video games. You were the one who gave me the intersted in video games. lol. and by the way im going to be your mom's god daughter!!

NicNic, the light of my soul, my strength, my rock you are in heaven and I should somehow be okay that you are there, but I am not. I feel like a hypocrite to God... and I am Sorry for that. I was supposed to go before you or even with you. Why am I stuck here to hurt this way? I wish I knew or understood Why? I dont know that it would make a difference or if the pain would be less. But, at the least I would understand the cause.... and somehow i could convince myself of it. There is no convincing myself of this.

I am trying to go with it for Mikey's Sake.... But, I can not explain any of my thoughts , feelings and pain in words, except to say that you know what I am going through... It is beyond the word HARD...I imagine being here another day without you and I breakdown and wish that I am not.. But then I wake up in the morning and the pain and hurt settles into my empty soul all over again..

I write you letters every night my Love, and I will always do this... I know that you read them but its not enough... I do not get to see your eyes...

I dont think anyone can understand what you did to my soul.... My entire being.. I dont think people can come close to understanding the Love, the strength and the life I had in me because of you. I turned to you for everything.... Literally everything.... and sometimes, you answered me or helped me with just your presence here, with just your eyes, with just your smile or your laugh, hugz, kisses... It was just you that made it possible...

I always relied on you to be here with me, It was supposed to be you relying on me... I know you did, but I relied on you more....

I crack a smile in front of people because of our way.... but, it breaks me down each and every time... the smile is not mine!

Where do I go to see you, to hold you, to hear your voice? How can I be here for Mikey and you not be here with me? It was for you and now you are not here.....

I look into Mikey's eyes and I see a little baby hurting at times and confused at other times.. I see your brother, struggling to understand too.. I see a boy who has been placed to learn something that no one his age should have to learn.. WHy?  Why does he have to go through life without you too.... He so depended on you and him building a world for eachother, like you guyz planned. Now he is alone in that plan.. He often asks what is going to happen to him if me and daddy die? tooo much thoughts for a little boy... I try to do what I always done, talk and then turn everything into a joke, so we laugh... But like me I can see his tooo is not real.

What is real to us is that you are not here with us. The light of my soul, the love of my life, I wait impatiently for the day that I get to see you again... the day that I will embrace you in my arms and never let you go... I am lost without you in mind and in life.... You probably thought when you were growing up that when i told you that you was my Soul, Serenity and Sanity that I was just saying it just because I loved you... now you know that those words were then and will always be what you are to me... My soul, I know ours is one... My soul split with you... You carry me with you every where you go... My right foot is already with you my love... just waiting for the left to follow... You were my serenity, now my love, my life has none.... only pain..... You are my sanity.... you kept me whole mentally and physically... becuase of you I was able to overcome anything.. because of you I kept on shining... Now, the mind is filled with everlasting confusion, hurt and lack of will.....

I love you more than I can say... I miss you even more.. I will truly be happy when I am with you again when our soul unites and becomes as one again...

Until then, keep on standing by Mikeys, Daddy's and my side we will forever need you near us.. We all Love you very much and miss you terribly.

 

You are a million times welcome! And yes i did had a feeling with that song. Once gena put it on her i tunes i listened and listened to it a million of times. I had this feeling. And i guessing too, that nicnic answered your letter and he asked me to let you know he did by the song. 

Hey My Love.... I cant believe that  the song was put on the memories... Was it you who helped sabrina chose this song? I must have said it several times yesterday how Much I loved this song.. " YOu are not alone by Michael Jackson... In fact it is my favorite of all the songs he sang.

I kept saying it yesterday...

I can not tell you how happy I became when I first saw it on your memories... The first thing I said is , Oh my god.. How did she know.. I cant believe it... But I could.. I will take this as your way of answering my letter last night... Look for tonights letter same time same place...

 

My Love, you will never be alone.... Because with you is me.. My soul. I am and will forever be with you in mind, body and soul... you are me and I am you... Forever and ever.. We were one, we are still one and we will remain as one eternally. This song has put a smile on my face tonight.. thank you Sabrina, and Thank you Nicnic... I know you had a part in it..

I love you, Miss you and I will forever remain your soul, because you are mine...

"You are not alone"

Another day has gone
I'm still all alone
How could this be
You're not here with me
You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so cold

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

But you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
But you are not alone

heyy youuu ! how you doingg up theree? i misss youu so muchhhh .. i was at thee beach two dayss ago and i was telling my friends how me you your mom gio and michelle used to go to the beach when we were little and playyy for hourss .. and i was just finished saying how i wanna ask tuna if she'd let me bring mikey to the beachhh and then i turned around and saw him with little nicky and his mom i was so happy to see him out of the house and with peoplee. little nicky really is a goodd kidd .. i can honestly say youu pickedd a goodd frienddd .. but yeahh i just woke upp and i was talking to alyx .. and she's havingg a rough time .. she's upset about her grandma and it made me think of youu .. and how much i love you and miss you so i can only imagine how she feelss .. nicc help her outt if you can ..  anywayyyy i misss you and cant stop thinking about youuu .. i love you soo much nic .. there isnt a day that goes by where i dont wishhhh there was something i could do to bring you back !! nic im lost without youu .. a part of me ismissingg and i dont know what to do becausee no one could ever do what you did .. you just undersstood what i needed and you were always there .. i just wish i could talk to you nic .. i just wanna hear you voice and the way you used to tell me you loved me atleast 5 times before we hung up everytime we talked!! i cant help butt cry just thinking about youuu becausee your supposed to  behere withh meee .. we're olderrr now we're supposed to go out together andd go to collegee and just grow upp .. nic i just wishh you wereee heree we alll miss you and wantt you bacckkkk .. pleaseee just show me somehow yourr heree !!

 

p.s. everyone keeps telling me nana isnt doing good .. nic please you know me and i cant have anything happen to her .. pleaseee be with her everyssecond and make sure she stayss with me because i need her nic .. i really do !

 

i lovee youuu soooo much !!

Hey Bud,

How's my boy, my best friend... I truly hope from the depths of the half portion ( you have the other half) of my soul that you feel peace, happiness and love and that you have been embraced with love from everyone and have also embraced them with your love. I hope that Jesus and Mother are pleased with your work and love that you distilled and embarked upon while you were here..... I was and still remain extremely pleased, PROUD...

BooBoo, I called you the other day... I often call your name and listen to hear you answer me.... I await the day that I can hear your voice.... I love the picture Gina put up on your memory below... When I first saw it, It made me burst into tears inside, I truly hope and will always pray that my left foot will follow my right foot (that is already there in heaven with you)  so that my day will come when I can be that person in that picture and feel you in my arms again... that is when I will feel whole...Feel Alive again..

 

I will close my eyes tonight and hope to dream about you greeting me as in the picture when my day comes... I hope that Jesus and Mother will Give me the strength to do what is necessary and allow me the Grace to have just such a reunion with you, an everlasting one!!!!

I love you more than I can say... I miss you the same... It is toooooo long without you here with me... My best friend, My Buddy, My life, Soul, Serentiy and Sanity... I will forever burn with pain until I see you again.

I have decided to write you a letter every night. Look for it on the Living Room Table. I promise I will write just enough, Not too much... dont want to overwhelm you all in one night.. We have much tooo much work to do yet... and I really need your guidance and love through it... So tonight, will be the first of many letters to you, the love of my life.

 

 

Would you know my name.
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven….
Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven.