Nicholas Marty Nespolini

Hey Bud,

I am lacking so much right now my love. Most importantly, I am lacking will. All I think about is you. I think about the first time I ever saw your face and the last time I ever saw your face. I think about the way you were looking at me when you were first born and the way you looked at me that night. I dont want to open my eyes my love... I dont want to look at anything in this life anymore if it is that I can not see your eyes in front of me. I am so broken, there is nothing that will fix me... What is my life; if your not in it. I am tired my love...I am very tired... I just want to be Home...  !!! I am so sorry, that I didnt Die before you, so that I dont have to live without you...

You will never know How sorry I am that I live in this everlasting pain without you...  All I have ever said to you and Mikey is I breathe for you... I live for both of you and I would Die for both of you... I do not know what I have done wrong in my life, when all I ever tried to do is right...

I am really trying to be strong for mikey, But, I cant be so strong for him when my strength is gone..... I dont know where I can find it again... My Love, I feel trapped....

I try to be happy for Mikey, I try to find some will to go through the day.. But it is all fake... I feel nothing  inside... I died when you did my love... But I am still here... How can I make it right for Mikey now.. I dont know what to do.... I love him soooo Much as I do you.. Yet, I cant find my way to be strong for him... I dont know what to do!

Hey Nic nic I cannot seem to grasp of what god wants anyone of us to do without you here. I burn inside for you with so much pain and I dont know where to turn or scream sometimes. I just want to hit someone over and over just so they could feel what I am feeling. This pain Nic nic is too much and

I try so hard to hold it in so no one sees it but there are days that I just want to explode. I miss you so much and everyday I look at your pictures and your eyes always kill me inside and your smile tares me into pieces. When I look at you and Jenn I break more because the intimate pictures with you and Jenn are so precious and I keep picturing in my head what a husband and father you would of been and tares me inside to millions and millions of pieces.  I miss when you were a little kid when I would do inny minny miney moe or grab you swing you towards the mirror or do superman on my legs or run around the house with you on my back just your laugh would keep me playing with you. You and Ajdar you both have this unique laugh that would keep me playing with you. I do the the inny minny miney moe with Mikey and he tells me I am the master of tickling. Mikey has alot of you in him the other day he bend over shaking his butt and I said to your cousin jesse nic nic use do the samething its amazing how they are so much a like but have their own personality Nic nic more passionate and Mikey more stubborn.

Nic nic you will always be my boy in the mirror then, now and for eternity my heart & soul burns to see you again. Just keep an eye on Mikey, daddy & mommy they always need you with them always.

I will talk to you real soon love you, miss you, stay close by. Love you Teze

Good Morning My Love,

Today I am writing to you in RED... One of your favorite colors!

I would first like to tell you something... But, I will tell you from within my soul... I know you will get the message.. don't forget what we spoke about.. don't forget the promises we made.. i need you to live up to yours and I will live up to mine...

Last night my love, I went out to eat with Phil, little Nicky and Trotter, Cousin Jessi and Cousin Stefanie... the Boyz ate your favorite Monday night (Hot Wings) at PJ Bradys... I was looking at them and could not help but notice that Little Nicky eyes still display pain for you, watch over him My Love.. Set him in the right direction with School and Give him some Hope.. As with many of your friends .. He really Loves you!  He is still hurting for you...

The other Night Scott, Phil and Stevie came over.. They were very upset. I guess I do not have to tell you because you were here with them. Thank you for comforting them! They needed it.

JoJo came by the other night, and she too was comforted by you ... ... she really needed it... She has been really bad lately, Be there for her too...

MOST IMPORTANTLY, Please do not forget your # 1 Priority Mikey, He needs you sOOOOOO Much.. Please hold him and comfort him every chance you get.. He Misses you and is very scared, he does not sleep in his room my love... He has been talking about you lately more than ever... BE there for him always... I know how much you loved him ... he loves you the same!!!!

My Love, Daddy & Me have become Totty's and Saranda's god parents..Your God Sisters love you so much... you have to see What Saranda wrote for you.. It is beautiful.  

My Love, Last night was hard... I looked up at your picture and I could not breathe.. I needed to scream and couldn't because mikey was laying next to me. I am sorry if I awoke you with my pain and tears.. I try not too.. But, It is really hard my Love.... my world , my heart came crashing down, I  just want to lay down and close my eyes to this unbearable reality, this never ending pain... this sorrow that has bestilled me....

My Love, Please stay by my side, come to me as you did the other night and just lay by my side, hold me and keep me strong enough to be right for Mikey... and when all is said and done... please be there waiting for me, so that Our SOULS can reunite as one again.

I will forever burn for you... I will forever yearn to be with you! I love you and miss you terribly.

PLEASE, Tell God and Mother Mary that I do not understand what I am supposed to do, Please tell them to help me. I Promise I will do whatever they require me to do... I need some Guidance, only for a while... PLEASE, be good, watch over your baby cousin Vincent.. Stay with Harry and Farije and Bute, Grandma Rose, Grandpa, PAPA, Katie & Barney and see if you can find Mark, and give him a pound, a Kiss from me tell him I always think about him too.... I love YOu 

Nickk. i miss you soo muchh. i still cannt even believe thiss. Its nights liek tonightt where i wish you were heree. Nickk i dont even know what to do anymoreee, everyone seems to be getting on with there lives, and everyone seems a little happier... but how can i be happy when everythings going wrong? Nickk this isn't rightt, this shouldn't be. How can i live knowing God took one of the best people i will ever know, so early? Nickk youu taught me so muchh and you were always there, everynight i was with you is a night i will never forget. Nick i feell thee painn comming out of my chestt just thinking abouttt what shouldnt of happened. Nickk youu know me better than my own parentts probally know mee. Nick i dont know how i'm ever going to move onn.. i dont know how im ever going to let anyone in again and i dont know if i want to either... Nickk i have yet to feel the old mee, nick i dont feel the same and this is killing mee.... i love you so much and i dont even understanndd why this hadda happen. Nickk i'm trying to be strong forr everyone, im trying to hold myself togetherr, i trying to be strong for everyone just like you would have donee. But nick i dont know how long im going to be able to keep this fake smile upp... Nick i cant waitt until i meet you againn, nick im waiting for the day when i get to see you againn. Nickk when that day comes i think i will finally be at peace. Nickk youu are the mostt amazing person i will ever knoww, and my heart will always always belong to you! Nickk i lovee youu soo muchh.... You are the light in my eyes and the sun in the skyy... you will forever be my tattoo headd. I miss youu nickk. &+ i have love you since the moment i meet youu and i will love youu forever, and ever... Nick i hopee youu having funn up there.. &+ Nick i never want you to forgett that i will ALWAYS keep my promisess...you know what there aree... Nickk please hold a place for me in heaven, because i'm waiting for the day i get to be there...

My Love, who said that time heals all wounds. How can my wound heal? How can time make this better? I am having it hard every day, every minute of the day.. each second that goes by seems too long.. the pain only thickens.. This wound will forever bleed. There is no healing this broken soul and heart, my love. 

I know that there is a cure to my bleeding and empty soul, but you see my love, you are not here in the flesh. I can't look in your eyes. I cant kiss you, hold you or just simply stare at your beautiful smile, or hear you voice calling me.. I miss that soooooo much.... Just to hear you call me Ma! or Mommy, or Mama Dukes..! So, how can I stop bleeding for you?

I love you mom! God, I need that !

You were here when I was in need to talk... only you and me know how much we did! Who do I confide in now? I have depended on you to keep me whole.... I try my love, to be whole for Mikey.. But you see my Love, you are not here to provide me my soul, serenity and sanity..

I am so lost, I hurt so much that I just want to lay down and close my eyes forever. I want to scream and cry but, I hold myself my love, because I do not want Daddy and Mikey to see my hurt which will make it bad for them. I hold everything in, my love... I know you know, because we are one... 

There is so much that i need to talk to you about.. There is so much tears I need you to wipe.. There is so much pain... that I need you to mend.. I turn and I turn and I turn looking for a way to find you, find my peace, my serenity, my soul and my sanity.. and I cant find you! I cant release this pain My Love, I cant find you to just hold you and cry until it all goes away.... I cant find my way....

My Love, I am trapped in this world.

My Love, I feel like I am going to explode... I sit in front of Jesus and ask him to give me grace... I need Grace my love... 

My Love, I was never able to handle a death of someone, even if they were strangers if it was that they died alone.... this has become the scars of my heart and my thoughts and it will forever burn my soul... I am sorry my Love, I am so sorry my soul, that I was not with you holding you, kissing you and telling you how much I love you and how very proud I am of you... I am sorry MY LOVE, that you were alone, while I lay sleeping in my bed... I will forever burn with sorrow and pain my love, even after I am gone that your last moments were alone, I Hope you werent scared and crying for me..................I should have never lived enough to have this everlasting memory left in my heart and soul.... 

My Love, I always told you that I would lay down with you if something happened to you.... and I really wish I could.. I really want to,,my Love, This life is not for me anymore... You must know how I would and WILL , but before I do My love, I have to make sure that Mikey is ok.... I need to know that he is strong, I need to prepare him for his path of life, I need to know that he will be strong minded, strong willed and smart..... I will nurture him into a fine, strong man and then I will lay down to rest with you forever.... Please stand by me and dont ever leave... until I am with you my Love... I will be there and I know that you will be there waiting for me..... I know this because I know the LOVE we had for eachother...    

I will cry inside, bleed and remain in pain until I am with you again... Please tell GOD, That I will do what is required to get to you sooner.... Please ask him to help me and Guide me... I just want HOME!!!!!!!

I love you with the depths of my Soul, My being ! My Love, the flesh of my flesh, the heart of my heart and the lite of my soul.. I will forever love you! There is no word to describe my affection, feelings or Love for you... I know that you know!!!!!!! I blow you a thousand kisses for today

♥FOR I AM FREE♥ DON'T CRY FOR ME, FOR IAM FREE, NO MORE PAIN I FEEL, MY DEMONS ARE GONE, GOD HAS SET ME FREE, TO FLY WITH THE ANGELS, AND FAMILY WE LOST BEFORE ME, FOR IAM FREE, I KNOW MY FAMILY MISSES ME, IAM STILL WITH YOU, IN ALL THE THINGS THAT I LOVE, REMEMBER IAM WATCHING OVER ALL OF YOU, UNTIL THE DAY GOD CALLS YOU HOME, AND WE OUR TOGETHER AGAIN, FOR IAM FREE I LIVE IN YOUR MEMORIES AND HEARTS, THANK OF ME IN ALL YOU DO AND SMILE BECAUSE YOU KNOW, FOR IAM FREE ♥WE LOVE AND MISS YOU.. UNTIL THE DAY WE SEE YOUR SMILING FACES AGAIN... WE LOVE/MiSS YOU♥

My Love, L-Block was your Drive... You loved being around everyone.. you loved being there for everyone... you put yourself in the front line all the time for anyone... I am so proud of you. I am proud of the man you turned out to be. I just wish that we all had more time to enjoy and flourish with you around us. You made many people feel whole... you helped them pull away their mask of pain and happy again. Thank you for seeing when no one else did.. You were sooooo in tune with others ( even strangers) you never let them by without saying or doing something that made it right…. Smile, laugh etcc…

Thank you so much my love for always seeing the girls as you saw me.... thank you for living up to your promise and watching over them.. never passing judgment on them, making sure they were always ok, never allowing a guy to mistreat them, always there when they needed you... You knew how mommy was about that and you didn't let them or me down...

Thank you My Love for always being my friend.. for always standing beside me even if I were wrong.. Thank you for never giving me a hard time…Thank you for telling me that you will always be with me even if I went to the moon… I think about that now!!!!!!  Thank you for never talking back…You always listened to me, even if it meant that you didn’t get to do something that you really wanted to do. (like going to the Poconos with the crew) I know how desperately you wanted to go…. I am sorry I didn’t let you go.. But as you know my love, I couldn’t sleep in peace without you and also nervous about the distance away!! I am sorry my love, I just thought we had more time… But you understood and didn’t give me a fuss… you never really did…

Thank you for being compliant and respectful… You were so respectful !!!! Thank you for living up to your promise about passing your midterms… Thank you my love for being the most amazing &  Loving person in my life… Thank you for being my sunshine.. my lite… my angel… my cruch, my leaning post, my friend… my confidant… my son, my soul , my air… I struggle now my love… there is no one for me to turn to… It was you… I turned to you ever since you were a baby…. 17 years of non stop reliance, and now I don’t know where to turn to find you and home…  My Love, you always knew how to make me happy… make me smile even when I was stressed out! You knew how to make me feel beautiful on my worst ugly days… You always knew!!!!!!! Why didn’t I know this one time that was the most important time of your life ?

I will forever burn inside with agonizing pain my love, they have ruined your life, Daddy’s , Mikey’s and mine… My Love, Miley said the other day, that it is not fair to him… you promised that when he got older it would be about you and him… he put his head down and cried saying that day will never come now… Why?

Now my Love, I ask you to live up to the promise we always made to each other… you know what this one is…. My Soul is weak without you, My will is gone… and you know what will help me through this life and back into your arms again.. I need you in my life every second of my day… You are the most precious breath that I will take now and forever…  Please Live up to your PROMISE TO MAKE MIKEY # 1 PRIORITY…  My love, Please be there for Daddy, take over his business as planned and take it to the heights you planned…. Don’t forget, We have a plan… don’t forget to do your end of the promise… I will do mine!

My Love, you are my life, you are the air that i breathe… MY love, many things that we spoke about dawn in my head.. I wait to see how things pan out my love.. I wait to see the truth of your words..

Hey Nic nic a memory of popped in my head as I was gagging on a jelly sandwich Yuk too lazy to cook for myself . I remember when you were 6 or 7 maybe even a little younger and I woke up in the middle of the night to find you sleeping all over your vomit and how that whole night I could not sleep worrying about you vomiting again during the night. It really had me scared that night and I wanted to take you into bed with me but your mom took you in her bed instead but I was still worried that she would not hear you even though I know she would but I being a light sleeper I was still afraid.

I miss so much alot of my memories are mostly when you were little but then you grew up I remember saying one time to you when your voice started to change I said " stop growing" and you just just laughed shrugged your shoulders and said " I can't help it Teze" and you hugged me.

I love you so much miss you so much need you too...especially your dad, mom & Mikey please be by their side and walk, sleep with them all the time to guide them to the light of the truth.

My boy in the Mirror how I miss you so much and how every split second of everyday does not go by without you being on my mind. I wish kiddo that I can take your place please ask GOD how can I do that so you could be here with everyone.....LOVE YOU SO MUCH

My Love, do you remember the times we would sing and dance with eachother. We danced all the time. You used to always ask me when you were just a little boy to teach you how to dance. I want you to come into my dreams and dance with me.. my love...

Do you remember when you used to put your fingers over my face and slowly massage my face and put me to sleep or when you used to rub my back and I would bite and kiss your toes and your armpitts... remember when you tried to kiss my armpitt... you almost gagged... Haha . Or when you used to plan out an ultimate plan of attack against anybody who interfered with me & daddy... you used to say " mom if y ou ever leave daddy, I am going to pretend that your new boyfriend beat me so that I can have him arrested... Then you would say, Mom, " If Daddy meets another girl, all I have to do is tell you that she malested me and you will kill her and then Daddy will be by himself... Then you used to say... Mom.. I am your man... you dont need anyone else.. not even Daddy.. But because I love him we could share !HAHAHA

I remember when you used to come home after hanging out with Daddy, I would ask you if Daddy was talking to any girls and just to get me aroused you would say yeah mommy... he was talking to not 1 but 4 girls.. then you would say.. But thats ok mommy .. I didnt talk to any girls thats because I love you more... Mikey does the same thing... I am sure you remember.. meanwhile Mikey would be the one talking to all the Girls... Hahaha

Do you remember when you were just 5 years old.. you told me that you wanted to marry me and be with me the rest of your life... You sang the back street boyz song to me all the time... " you are my fire, My one desire...

I remember just recently, you told me... Mom, when you had me god blessed you and god blessed me with you... These words will forever play in my head because it is so true... I am blessed to have you in my life.. Eventhough, I dont feel so blessed now my love.. because I cant see your beautiful eyes.. feel your lips kissing my face and your warm arms hugging me and making me feel safe and home.. YOu will always be Home to me.. you will always be my soul... and I am sure that God will bless me again with you... I know my love that we  will be in eachothers arms again.. I just hope I dont have to wait a whole lifetime for this to come...

I am broken and the only way I will be fixed is to be with you... But for now my love.. I have to take care of mikey and nuture him the way I did you... and give him the friend, Mom and serenity you had in me.. As I had in you.. But, as soon as My job is done... Promise me not a moment longer.. I will yearn every day of my life for the rest of my life to see you again, to hold you in my arms , to kiss your beautiful face, to hear your voice saying " i love you mom" ... I will yearn to hear you laughter, to see your smile, to touch you and know that it is really real.. that you are really there  with me forever, for eternity...

My Love, I need you to help me believe that this is not just my imagination. I need to know this my love, because I am broken beyond repair.. I walk aimless without any true feeling inside.. there is none. For whatever the reason is that I have to walk this life without you, I hope that I can complete it with GRACE.. so that I can come to you and you can be there waiting for me..

MY Love, Give Harry a Kiss for me and Farije.. Please tell them I have never stopped aching for them too. I miss them too... Please Ask GOD to please Guide me and Help me with my chores so that I can come HOme..... I promise you my love, That I will do whatever I can to make it right for as many as possible.. I promised God long ago that as long as I walk this earth  I will never turn a blind eye to anyone in need... you proved to be the same way.. I will continue this .. But Please Promise me that when its my time... No Divine Intervention... Just Home!

Nickk, i miss you so much and i cant even begin to explain in words how much i miss you. Nick i wany one of your hugs &+ i want to have one of the serious talks we hadd... the talks that ended up in fights but the next dayy it'd be fine... Nickk i wanna leave u a message saying "i have a question" and then waking up to you in the morning saying what, or whats wrong. Nick i miss you so much and you are the light in my eyes and it just kills me that your not here anymore. Nickk i could really use you right noww. i need some of yourr famousss advicee. so much is going on adn you always knew the right thing to say and when i listen it always worked outt. Nick i cant wait until we meet again.. I love you nickk i always will. ii hope i feel youu sometime soon cuz i really could use itt.