Mommy | I MISS YOU SOOO MUCH | January 28, 2023 |
Mommy | I will breathe for you each day My Love | August 5, 2022 |
Mommy | Happy New Year In Heaven My Love | January 1, 2022 |
Mommy | Happy 29th Birthday " My 4Ever Love" | April 21, 2021 |
Mommy | The knowing and Yet there is still PAIN! | April 1, 2021 |
Hana Xhudo | Happy Birthday Nicnic | April 21, 2020 |
Mommy | MY Forever Love - do not send | March 27, 2020 |
Mommy | Happy 27th Birthday MY LOVE! | April 21, 2019 |
Teze | Happy 26th Birthday April 21, 2018 | April 21, 2018 |
Mommy | Heaven is for Real | January 30, 2018 |
My Love,
I guess I don't have to tell you much of what Father Pat said yesterday, because I know you were there with us. Although Father could not give me an answer where he got what he said, other than to say it just came to him. I believe it was you and Jesus. I have pondered the thoughts and questioned whether it could be true. I often still do with other things as well. What I do know now more than ever is that what I have pondered on," is what it is". There are things that sometimes are explained by what people rule in or out as chance, coincidence, luck or otherwise. I know and live in the truth of the knowing that there is nothing for nothing and that there is no such thing as chance or otherwise. I live in the knowing that all things are possible and intended by the grace of God. I also know that you are ALIVE and living in a place where our imagination truly can't envision. I know that life bears no end and that you did in fact walk with Jesus when you transitioned into the bliss of heaven. I know this more so today than yesterday and will know so until I bear witness to the truth that carries me today.
Father God, I want to thank you from the depths of my soul for allowing me the wisdom to see, to hear and to know. I thank you for guiding me, speaking to me and most importantly for being my strength and the light in all of my darkest days. I thank you for holding my hand and for guiding me through this journey and road my life is on. I can't say that I have been an easy task because I know that I myself could not have dealt with me without you. Thank you for showing me all that you have. Thank you for telling me all that you did. Thank you for investing in me " a broken person" with all that you have. You have given me an immense amount that I did not deserve and probably never will. You invested in me even when I did not deserve your grace. You have shown me through the constant that you were always there and never left me.
I always told you that I would not turn a blinds eye, and only asked that you just be there in my time of need. I was angry with you for a very short moment after Nicnic, and that seemed like a lifetime for me. I am sorry that I did have a molecular second of anger towards you. You have shown me that you were there from the very moment you took Nicnic's hand and walked with him into your paradise. I knew this but questioned it, just the same. I heard you and saw and questioned that too. You gave me the ability to tap into you through my spirit and even that was sometimes questioned. I do not know what I have done to deserve your undivided love and immense patience in me. I would like to believe it is because you know my heart, you know my soul and know me better than I know myself. If this is not the case, than I would like to believe that you have a sense of humor..... I am broken my lord and you have been the constant that has enabled me to BE.... I hope that as I journey through this life, even if it for just a moment left in time that I can do for you what you have done for me. You have truly, truly given me peace in this life, so filled with the most unbearable pain, suffering and loneliness.
My lord, you knew that I could not do this life without seeing Nicnic's eyes. You gifted me with the ability to look and see his eyes. You knew as you did with so much more, and you didn't turn a blinds eye. Even though I am broken and filled with flaws and sin, You helped me along the way and provided me with an unconditional friendship that I can't live without . You have listened and have responded by way of your heavenly messengers more times than I deserved. You have given me the ability to know, see and hear TRUTH. You have held my hand and have been my shield more times than I can count. You sent messengers when you saw that I needed you the most. You changed the path that I was walking on and carried me ( as heavy as I was) and never let me go. You are the sole reason why" I am who I am".
I can't complain not even with the pain I embrace. How could I when I have the ultimate best friend in you. I will accept life so long as I live in the knowing of your presence and love. This life is nothing without you dwelling in it with me. I ask that you always remember my spirit, my heart and remember that no matter where I am or what it is I am doing you will always be the forefront of my world. You will always be my driving force. I know that I have always loved you and believed in you but I have to admit that my love for you has grown to an infinite now. You hold my son ( your Son too). You have given me something that I can only hope the world can see and feel. I love you in a way that can't be put in words. I can only hope that when you enter my heart and spirit that you feel the love I have for you and that it makes you as happy as you have made me.
I will not say that the flesh is not sad or that the flesh is not hurting because it is and will because of the immense loneliness my heart feels for NicNic. I MISS HIM MY LORD. I miss his voice, his breath, his smile, his laughter. I MISS HIS HUGS AND KISSES, I miss his friendship and miss feeling whole with him here with me in the flesh. He was and remains to be my other half. I know it to be true when I say that my soul split with him. I think you know this too. So, I will ache for him until you have allowed me the grace of holding him again. But In the depths of who I am, I am fulfilled with the knowing of your love and the sweetness my spirit feels when we embrace. I am who I am because of you. I am a broken in every way possible, but possibly still a viable lamb who seeks her Sheppard always.
I ask that you be here with me every step of the way, literally until I reach that gate where you can allow Nicnic to greet me. I want him to hold my hand and walk me through to all that I have yearned for and miss dearly. I want this first my Lord, because when I am done spending some time with them, I want Nicnic to take me to where you are so that I can kneel in front of you and kiss your feet. I want to rest my cheek on your feet and let go.... I want to lay my tears of joy on your lap. I want to hold your hands and kiss them. I want to kiss your cheeks, I want to lay my head against your heart and fall within it so that I may dwell in the love you have for eternity. I want to spend as much time with you in hopes that I can give to you what you have given to me. I want to make you proud as you have made me proud to love you and live in your truth. Then, I want to spend every single " now" with NicNic and of course Stalking you everywhere you go. I don't know if paradise has shadows. If it doesn't rest assured that I will be yours. Just like a lamb who has permanently lost her way, in the hands of her Sheppard I will yield my soul, my spirit and my eternity ( of course where there is one lost lamb there are others, so you may have more than one shadow... Nicnic and as you know, in time will come the balance of my little lambs whom are yours too). Hopefully they will make you proud of them too.
Finally, I will try to remain simple for you but please forgive me if I lose my way. Carry me even though I am heavy, and on some days even heavier with the excess water weight. If I am too heavy just Holding my hand will do. Please don't ever let go. I am broken, twisted and not one of your easiest tasks but please stay with me anyway. I love you my lord and best friend. Please tell my BooBoo that he is my world and that I need his visits more than I can say. Hugs and Kisses are needed frequently.
Love you My Lord and Best Friend. Love you my Forever Love NicNic. 4 Ever!~
I love you Harry, Farije, Mark, Bute, Don, My Handsome PAPA ( I will never forget you and will always carry you with me too) Maryann, and all others. When I get there we are going to create colors of joy not noted in heaven right now. Then we are going to come here and raise some hairs! hehehe....